Today’s supposed to be a good day, man.
Today, I can’t help but notice that I’ve slipped even further into a hole of my own emotion. It wasn’t as chaotic and sudden as yesterday, but it’s apparent. Here are the things that are bothering me.
Coming up at the end of August, I’ll be studying in another academy, away from every single kid that I grew up with. This program is for truancy, something that, with my panic attacks and sappy depression, I’ve become a star of. I believe it was a tad over fifty days I spent away from school in total. At one point, more towards the end, I was skipping entire weeks just sitting there and trembling and telling myself I could do it. And look at me now. I couldn’t. That’s part one, though. School.
Second part, friends. They use me. They want me for the lasting support I give, and the things I offer them, but if I’m not constantly keeping up to their satisfaction, I’m useless to them. All of them. So, in a more realistic sense, I don’t have actual friends. Leeches, I guess. It makes me feel completely alone, because everyone that I meet does the same exact thing to me. I know, I know. Not everybody’s like that, I know that. I don’t know, it’s just so hard for me to make friends. I guess we aren’t all perfect, then.
Skip a thought, too dangerous. I’ll refer to my last entry.
O. Her, yeah. Here’s what all runs through my head. In total, love. I don’t feel ‘stuck’, per say, but there’s near-doubt sometimes. She parties hard. Drinking, smoking, and a whole series of other things. She’s beautiful- She doesn’t think she is, but I see purity, despite.. all the drugs, I mean. That doesn’t bother me as much as it should, though. But I get jealous, or anxious, whatever, I don’t know what it is. Now, with that, and partying, what sort of sh*t could you imagine would happen. Guys. Other guys. The romantic stuff, I just. She dodges every bullet I fire at her, in a sense that the answers to certain questions of mine are guaranteed to end in a mess. Example.
She’ll mention her friends while she’s drunk, doing stuff with other guys. I ask her about it, and every. Single. Response, ends in “idk”.
It makes me wonder, deep down to the marrow, if I’m just too attached and that her eyes aren’t even on me, that this is another ‘E’ situation, me allowing myself to fall for her where she’s no clue that I feel it, and no intentions alike. I wonder if I’ll be doing this my whole life, if this is what things have amounted to. Some guy just hunting for someone. I wonder if I’ve even felt love. I don’t know. I have too much hope.
And with recent events, my whole theory is suddenly changed.
I hate that. I hate my mind. Why can’t I function like anyone else. It should be easy.