well as i sit here deciding what i want to say tonight in my nightly journal entry , i am just too damn zoned out to concentrate! this is the first relaxed night ive had in two weeks!! yes, just about two weeks ago is when the pain started up again…thats about right. after six years of dealing with this bullshit, and almost three years of consistantly being admitted into the hospital for weeks days to a week or more at a time, and fighting the state and government for disability medicaid, i can now get decent. not just adequate, but decent health care. i am very stubborn, i do not like to pe pitied or judged. i waited for three days until i finally gave in and went to the emergency room, huntsville hosp in texas. decent care there. but they seemed to believe i only was suffering from copd exasperations and was wanting morphine. i tried to tell them i felt really bad, short of breath not hard to breath, there is a definitive difference! i also told them i didnt need pain meds, but yes my stomach was indeed in severe pain as was my kidneys and bladder. i have several health issues ive been diagnosed with over the past several years. heart disease and hypertension and enlarged heart due to uncontrolled high blood pressure due to no health insurance! all ths white priveledge im accused of and all!! also copd, yes, my own fault for smoking ciggarettes! i am now one week ciggarette free after 33 years of smoking. its not easy, but neither seeing the pictures of my stomach this past icu visit i just recently came home from 4 days ago! i get my biopsy results back the 28th! very fucking nervous about that!! i also have been diagnosed with chronic ulcerative coilitis and gastroitis. kidney cysts disease, ovarian cysts and possible endometriosis and i have severe fibroid tumors due to enduring four damn c-section deliverys! and managed to not have hardly a single stretch mark on my stomach! yes, im proud of that! hard work! lol but since ive been home its been so damn stressful and tonight is the first night im not feeling over whelmed and under rested and thats is why im comfortable submitting tonights journal entry, my first one as it were! lol I sit here typing and hearing street outlaws in the back ground, its little after midnght, were not early to bed early to rise as it were. were fall asleep by 2 am and awake by 9 am kind of folk. been clean off meth and prescription pills a little over 8 years as of april 8,2016. i dont drink alcohol, quit ciggs a week ago. my only vice now is my herb, and if anyone is waiting for me to stop, my little pagan ass is never going to do that! i cant wait until they finally catch up and legalize herb here in texas! i prefer natural and hollistic meds over man made bullshit poison any damn day! ok, my sweet chiweenie veda may is snuggling her cold nose under my calf so that means shes ready for bed, my que to roll me a nice fattie, take my nightly meds and say good night and love and light to this harsh ass world and enter a more loving realm and remember those true with their love in my dreams! thats all the fuck i got to say for this night!