Monday June 19th

Noah left my place last night to go to Pennsylvania with a friend. They are meeting another boy there and staying at his house- both last night and tonight. They will be back at my place tonight. There will be 4 boys at my place. We will be packed in there for sure. 

I am supposed to talk to the doctor today for my pre-surgery consult. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can afford to have my nose done. I just don’t see how. And, I’m not sure if I should have my chin done. I guess I should. I have already paid the majority of the money for it, and I am going to be down there, anyway. I feel like I might as well go for it. I don’t think the recovery will be anything close to what the nose will be- I think it will be a lot easier. 

Okay. I talked to the surgeon’s office. I decided only to do the chin. I only had to pay $468. I thought it was going to be more than that- like around $1500, so that’s good. 

I am going to try to get myself together this summer. I am going to get my clothes straightened out- I am going to get the stuff sold that I don’t wear. I am going to get an exercise plan started. I can exercise up until the day of my surgery, and then I will start walking as soon as I am able. I can’t wait to see John. I miss having a dog. I really do, but I just can’t have one here. It’s hard to believe I made it two years with no dog after Jack died. 

I was having anxiety issues yesterday. I think sometimes it’s harder on me when Noah visits. Seeing him and having him here makes it hurt so much when he leaves. I don’t think he cares that I’m not there with him. I hate Brent so much for being such a complete asshole and destroying our family. 

I think I will be by myself forever. I still think about killing myself sometimes. The hate and frustration I feel toward brent is overwhelming. I have a lot of hate. I need to get a counselor again asap. I am not doing well on my own. 

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