a casual descent into existential panic.

I have stopped trying to force myself to write, and have let myself move on to practicing my currently non-existent art skills. I kept trying to force words out when I had none, which didn’t go well, so I’ve decided to just let my ideas come out naturally, when they feel like coming out. Although it is disappointing that I haven’t been able to write fuck all for weeks now. For some reason, I feel simultaneously like I have nothing to say and I have everything I’ve ever wanted to say clogged up inside.

 

Drawing is easier when you don’t compare your art to other people’s.

 

I just remembered that I have a summer reading/writing assignment that I have completely forgotten to think about since summer break started. Oh my GOD. I’m panicking even though it’s not even that big a deal and I’m 85% sure that no one I know has started yet.

 

Okay, I’m now FREAKING THE FUCK OUT thinking about all of the things I’m going to have to do. Study for the SAT in August, do the writing thing, do my calculus preparation thing, die because of the club leadership meeting thing. OH MY GOD. I’m going to die. It’s only June and I’m already freaking out. Why is that? Theoretically I still have two months to do all of these things. Why am I already so afraid?

 

In my case, senioritis is not a disease that will make me become lazy because I’m graduating–instead, it will make me waste away out of a nameless fear of graduating and becoming an adult. It’s already infected me. I’m dying thinking about my senior year, when I was so enthusiastic just before break started. What is fucking wrong? Why am I already so scared? Jesus Christ.

 

I wrote this last night, but I forgot to post it. I’m feeling numb now, because that’s what I feel when I don’t want to think about anything. I also had three very weird and scary dreams yesterday night, which I wrote down in the morning.

One thought on “a casual descent into existential panic.”

  1. Just breathe. Don’t let the anxiety scare you away from the situation. You never know what experience can come from it! I know, it was very easy to shy away because of fear–but it will not help you. Go into it expecting nothing, or maybe even the worst! If you expect the worst, you won’t be disappointed when it goes wrong and you may be surprised if it goes good!
    It’s normal to be scared when a big change occurs in your life. Becoming a senior is a big deal! It’s one step closer into the real world (which I imagine is much better than high school). Just keep focusing on doing what you like. Drawing, writing, anything!
    Manage your time wisely and take some time to catch up, if needed. Maybe do it with a friend. Force yourself to do your tasks, and do it at a strong pace. Take a break in between and write or draw! I believe in you. You will conquer this. But, don’t back away because of anxiety. Don’t let it control you. You put anxiety in it’s place.

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