Next week would be the 3-month mark I broke up with my ex. I thought he would have moved on by now, found someone else as he told me when we were dating that he was kind of seeing someone else but wasn’t serious. I thought he would go back to this other woman or already had someone on the burner. That’s what I thought when I left him. And that may have been the case when I broke it off.
But he came back.
It was 11:30 pm Friday night and I was neck and three shots deep in my video game. I was having the grandest time stabbing people in the face when I get a message from a friend and another number. Other friend had been staying in too, but we live so far apart that it’s not feasible to just make impromptu plans to see each other.
But the other message was from a number I did not recognize. It had my city’s area code…. I wasn’t sure who it was. The thought crossed my mind that it was him, but I returned with, “No way. He’s moved on by now. After all, he didn’t really love you. His treatment of you at the end showed that.”
I open the message to “Please talk to me”.
In my state of half buzzed confusion, I replied with a “Who’s this?”
I get the reply of his name with a sad face emoji.
Now, right about now, any sensible person would have dropped it right then and there. They would have gone on stabbing all the virtual people in the face and would have ignored it. But with my bloody marias swimming in my psyche, the temptation was simply too great.
Dear reader, here’s the weird thing. For the past few weeks, he’s been popping in and out of my head with consistent incessancy. I mentioned this to my therapist and how annoying it was that he kept appearing. I was done with the entire situation, but he prevailed in my perhaps feeble mind. Perhaps it was due to my overly analytical and critical nature wondering where the chink in the armor was. Where had I gone wrong? There had to be something that I did poorly. I had to stop ruminating, looking for an error that’s not there. It’s like when you spell a word that you know is correct, but when you spell it, that specific word just looks wrong. That’s what this situation is like: I know what I did, and everyone else that I have asked has agreed about that. I conducted my affairs regarding this in the most mature manner possible. Mind you, I had my team of advisors working for me to make sure I moved the chess pieces right so I could claim no fault. So why must I constantly be looking for the fault in my own actions?
I still think about that even now. Through this digression.
Returning to the story, my sober self would have withheld any thoughts I had regarding this. There was a part of me that said I should not engage. But tequila had different thoughts.
I opened with a rather aggressive notion. I replied to him, “Last time we spoke, you didn’t want to talk to me…. If you want to call that speaking.” For reference, the last week of our relationship, he refused to talk to me about something I apparently did wrong. And he refused to tell me what it was. After about 4 days of this, I just said, “you know what, I’m not gonna be in a relationship with a child” and left. But then he goes on to say how he misses me. I admittedly feel nothing at this point for him but pure anger. Why would I miss you? After the hell I experienced with you? Why would I want that back in my life?
Then just like old times, we got into another fight about how he felt discarded and disregarded about how I broke it off. This carried on for an hour and a half… and I had to be up early that morning to volunteering duty. But we went back and forth where he tried to show me some sort of care (?) and I wasn’t having any of it. I broke down all the reasons why I broke off the relationship. Everything from his unreliability to his apparent complex.
And here was the grand flourish of the conversation:
He goes on to say that his friend told him that I was at a place where he normally hangs out at night. I went there during the day for a holistic fair that was going on. I was not expecting to see him or his company, so I went to the fair. I wouldn’t dare go there at night when he is likely to be there as I don’t want to see him. Why would I? But he brings this up and then proceeds to detail his thoughts about the manner. He said, “Oh I thought… you might have been looking for me. Doesn’t a small part of you maybe… want…” and he didn’t finish the thought, but what he meant was clear enough. Did I want him back? Is that a real question? See the reference for hell above! I went to the goddamn holistic fair because I was curious about it. Then I ran into one of his friends there. I forgot he worked weekends around where the fair was taking place. But I was cordial enough and didn’t bother to bring up my ex in any of the exchanges his friend and I had. Hell, I was even dressed more masculine than normal. If I was there to hunt down my ex to ::sarcasm:: beg his forgiveness for my egregious mistake in breaking up with him, ::end:: wouldn’t I wear something a little more… something up his alley?
The gall of him to assume that I showed up there looking for him. Who does he think he is? No, I was terrified the entire time I was there, thinking I might, just might run into him. I knew the chances were slim, but there was still a chance. I wasn’t even at the fair long. Maybe a half hour where I bought a candle and left. After running into his friend, I thought then that the chances increased and that it was best I leave. But for him to think that I showed up for him?! What a delusion!
The conversation ended with my saying that I was not there for that purpose and explaining everything about my decision. I didn’t get a response but I wasn’t surprised.
Until the next day.
He sends me another saying two things: 1. Sorry about last night, and 2. “I’ve read this like 10x and I want to apologize for not making you a priority.”
I didn’t respond after that. Too little too late. You should have thought about that before you gave me the silent treatment, telling me “You know what you did wrong and I’m mad about it.” No, I don’t know what I did. Explain to me like I’m five. You’re so good at being condescending anyways. But he refused that request. You should have thought about all that before. But you didn’t. Miss me my ass. The only thing you miss is having someone waiting on you. You miss the idea of me. You miss nothing about me personally. Hell, you probably had a sigh of relief when I left. Fine. Me too. I wasn’t worried about the unanswered messages, the texts that took you forever to answer, the delayed plans without communication, and the lack thereof. Also, your lack of follow through for our mutual agreements. Trust me: I breathed a sigh of relief too. And I’m going to keep my breathing as long as I do nothing to have you back in my life right now. Maybe later on if you demonstrate that you can be reliable, I’ll have you back in my life as an acquaintance. But for now, you stay over there. Away from me. Now, I’m the one that can’t talk to you because I’m angry. But the difference between us? I told you EXACTLY what you did wrong. But the only thing you can do is remember that for the next person you date — because it’s not going to be me. You can’t change the past, my dear. The only thing is to learn from it and try with someone else. :Shrug: That’s it.
Have a nice life. I hope you find someone who you can be better to — or at least more accommodating of your… differences.