PAIN IS PLEASURE AND MADNESS IS SANITY AND THE SIMPLEST THINGS ARE THE MOST PROFOUND AND POWERFUL
So last night I already had it with her always having to prop up that self absorbed guy’s image unto my face all the time. I have been trying to cool myself about it for weeks now, so totally draining already. But finally last night I just completely exploded… I had enough. Is this guy even worth me feeling madly irritated like this every single day? If she really does love me that much, why would she even choose to let me suffer in anger continuously like that than just totally cut ties with this fucking dirty dude to relieve me of such misery? She is even completely aware of my hatred for this guy. She makes me feel that he’s as totally significant in her life as me, equally loved and adored. And so another flattering remarks about him was my last ounce of patience and control.
I realized how I am capable of that kind of anger….like I want to destroy the entire universe, rip everything of it apart with my bare hands. It’s frightening even to me that I am capable of such evil like that when so provoked. It seems a massive accumulation of every madness and pain I have bottled up inside me through the years of my existence. I know I should work on controlling that evil inside me.
My dream last night was even seemingly connected to that surreal experience of wrath I had with all these guys she chose to go out with. There was another guy in my dream that looks exactly like me but has this very evil look with his fiery red eyes. He seems so dark and powerful and he was chasing me. When he was able to grasp me on my neck and raised me up to induce me to look straight in his eyes, I saw my own reflection in his eyes burning as I also felt myself burning from my toes to my head. Then he completely took my whole form. I feel he is a manifestation of the darkness that lurks inside me that wants to take over my soul completely..
I hate feeling this anger, I hate experiencing all these bizarre things that seem to have always been a natural element of my reality. I’m so tired of all these images and voices in my head.
On a lighter note, I woke up this morning to a beautiful smiling picture of her in my messenger. That image totally started my day right. I immediately felt this reflective contentment in my heart that my future with her is not completely lost yet afterall. Fact is i get easily suaded with just modest things like that. A substantial evidence of how the simplest things are truly the most profound and powerful. And paradoxical as it may sound, it’s what we think the most profound things that are actually the simplest.