Today was great! It felt good to mow for LLS!! The grass hadn’t been mowed since I left! I had to mow it, then rake it and then mow it again! If I were still drinking, craving or full of alcohol toxins….I might have been irritated! But I wasn’t!
It felt really great to not only do something outdoors and physical – but in all honesty it was nice Helping Her out and making amends for at least one thing that I had done or said while drinking! It also felt great to do it with no expectations of anything in return!
I left the outfits for the Boys! I hope that they like them. I love and miss those two Boys like you wouldn’t believe! I’m hoping that LLS will let me see them soon! It’s so difficult to not see them! It breaks my Heart! But I do know that I have to keep up with my Sobriety, so I can’t let it get me down.
After reading for a bit tonight, I realized something from my book that I hadn’t thought about before! I hope that it makes sense to whoever is reading this – because it makes absolute sense to me!
Although I didn’t drink near or around LLS for quite some time – alcohol and it’s evil still reared its head negatively on our relationship in two ways:
1) I would stay at My Mother’s House one or two nights per week! On those nights I’d get drunk! While drunk, something that normally wouldn’t be a big deal while I wasn’t drinking would come to mind! For example me: Me getting up in the Morning, getting the Boys dressed, getting the Boys Breakfast, Getting Boy #1 off to school, starting the car to warm up for LLS, getting Boy #1 strapped into his car seat if He wasn’t staying home with me! All while LLS was taking a shower and getting ready for work! While drunk at my Mother’s, I might send her 8000 text messages Bitching about all that I do.
Those texts couldn’t have been pleasant for her to wake up to! So although I wasn’t drinking near or around Her, my drinking was still causing issues!
Now, the sober me would realize that as I was getting The Boy’s around that I wasn’t “doing everything,” and it’s not that She wasn’t “helping out.” We were in fact working as a team! It’s not like She was laying in bed sleeping! She was doing Her part by showering and getting around and ready for the day Herself!
The second way that the evil if alcohol showed it’s nasty colors is that I learned today that I was a “Dry Drunk.” What is a “Dry Drunk?” I’ll tell you!
A “Dry Drunk” is someone who isn’t drinking, yet they are also not in a program. A “Dry Drunk” is someone that may still have cravings for alcohol and may or may not be through a “detox phase.”
“Dry Drunks” typically suffer from depression, anxiety, worry, stress, irrational thoughts and moodiness! Because they’re not in a program, they don’t have an outlet for how they’re feeling! I was a “Dry Drunk.”
Although I wasn’t The World’s Biggest Prick during my dry drunk phases, I still suffered from some things. I had trouble sleeping, I kept having a stressful and anxiety filled reoccurring dream and I displaced a bit of moodiness. I also suffered through paranoia that LLS was talking to other Men behind my back! So, after learning of this dry drunk syndrome I can assure you that it isn’t a myth!
I wish that I would have discussed with LLS what I was going through! We would have talked about it, we would have put our heads together and we would have worked as a team to find a solution! I regret not talking to Her about it!
It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to Her about it. I suppose that I thought that if I talked to Her about it that it would display weakness on my part! I was supposed to be The “Man” of the House and I was Supposed to be “Dad.” I was supposed to be Her strong partner! I wasn’t supposed to worry Her and Show weakness!
Now I realize that the only weakness that I displayed was NOT talking to Her about it! Had I opened up to Her about it, together we would have found a solution and Her & I probably wouldn’t be apart right now!
Its amazing at how much more clear my mind is now! It puts me in a position to realize so many instances where I handled things poorly while either drinking or while being a “Dry Drunk.”
I’m just glad that I finally got Help and joined a program! This AA program has been a Godsend! I wish that I had not waited so long!
I feel GREAT and I sure am learning a lot!