9:30am – Today is lucky day 13 of my Sobriety! I woke up feeling extremely energized today! Last night was the first good night’s sleep that I’ve gotten since I stopped drinking!! I can’t believe how that just 13 days ago I woke up hungover, depressed and lethargic – and today I wake up feeling fantastic!
All of these toxins from the poison of alcohol must be out of my system! I’m really enjoying this brightness that my mind now has! I mean, I’m human so I still experience some negative feelings such as the shame about things that I’ve done while drinking but my overall frame of mind is very clear!
I still feel sadness from missing LLS and the Boys, but no matter what direction things end up going with Her, I have to keep on keeping on! If things don’t end up working out between the two of us; My life doesn’t end! The only thing ending is that relationship! So staying sober is important!
I can’t 100% predict at this time what’s going to happen with LLS. I know that I love Her! I know that I Love The Boys….but regardless of the outcome I CAN’T DRINK!! Say that LLS and I work things out – If I drink, the two of us will end up right back where we are this minute -Not Together! If things don’t work out with LLS and I, I will eventually meet someone else. If I’m drinking, that relationship will fail too! So, it’s really a No brainer!
Speaking of LLS – I’m going to shoot Her an email about possibly seeing the Boys soon. It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve seen them! I won’t hold it against Her if She doesn’t respond!
12:15pm – My buddy that lives next door to LLS asked me to go and check out a band with Him tonight! I’m not sure how I feel about that! I’m not the least bit worried that I’ll drink! I’m more worried about LLS thinking that I’m “stalking” Her! My buddy is seriously like 150 feet from Her! Plus I’ll have to wait on His porch for Him to get home from his job! But ya know what? I really am not in the mood to sit around an do nothing! I feel good mentally and physically, so I may go!
Also, today I realized that I’ve been sort of begging for forgiveness from LLS. She needs to forgive me on Her terms, if She so chooses! So I’m going to lay off a bit! I may still email Her about seeing the Boys, but I have to remember that I have to we earn forgiveness! Forgiveness for the things that I did via evil alcohol would be a privledge…not a right!
2:50pm – I’m taking an early break at work! One of my coworkers that has a daughter that goes to school with Boy #1 showed me a cardboard car that LLS made for Boy #1. I’m very impressed! She did a fabulous job. One thing that I love about LLS! She’s a great Mom! I should have told her that more often! I’m impressed, but I feel left out! I wanted to help out with those cars! But then again, I did contribute! I got the cardboard! But, LLS did a great job!
7:00 pm – I’m waiting on my Buddy to get out of work! LLS came outside to let the dog out! I wanted to say Hello! Granted, I was on my cell phone talking to my Biological Son and it would have been rude to let Him go – but I wanted to say Hello! Im not sure that She saw me. Haha I was going to catcall Her with a whistle. I used to do that to Her when we first met! If I weren’t on the phone, I would have walked over and at least asked Her how She was doing!
8:30pm – My buddy and I picked the wrong night that the band that we wanted to see was playing! Now I feel silly! I emailed LLS and told Her that I’d be over to my Buddy’s – that if She was bored and wanted to talk that I’d stop over! Then 10 minutes later we decided to go hear a different band! I feel rude! On one hand – what if She was ready to talk? But on the other hand, I can’t sit around and wait for a reply. She knows how to contact me too!
11:30pm- Just got back to my Buddys house! I had a good time! We left the bar around 10:30. The band was good, but I got hungry so we went to grab a bite to eat. First time that I’ve been to a bar in years without consuming! I had two bottles of water! I still had fun.
A lesson was learned! I don’t need to drink to have fun!
It’s odd in a way being over here! I’m so close to LLS and the Boys, yet I feel so far away! I do hope that in time that She can forgive me! Even if things don’t work out! I never wanted us to not be on speaking terms! I’m can accept it if we decide to not be together! But I’d still like to be a part of the Boys’ lives.
But no matter what happens, my first priority right now is my Sobriety! Today was a great day! I’m learning so much about this AA program, I’m relearning who I am and reinventing myself so to speak! The huge thing though is how clear my mind is and how much I’m realizing about times when I was wrong due to my head being clouded by evil alcohol!
Well, I’m going to try to sleep. I MIGHT attempt to stop over and and ask LLS if She has a few minutes! Not so much to talk, but I want to give the Boys a hug and ask Her if She’ll be on my support team! Having Her support would mean a lot!