Emotional Roller Coaster

That point: my stomach is clenching, my throats feels tight and fiery, my hands are shaking, and my mind wants to explode from mouth with nothing but hatred. I want to scream at him him, throw something at him, and push him out. It’s hard to control what I’m feeling and about 90% of my feelings are impulsive. It’s like every bit of my body wants to jump out of my body itself and destroy everything. He doesn’t help the situation since he is the one pushing all the buttons. It’s hard to differ the Borderline in me from the natural anger I have. Is it normal to have this much anger…All the time? The anger hurts me in so many than one, which only makes me more angry. This creates conspiracies in my head that I want to believe are not true…but what if they are…but what if they are not and I push it too much! He’s driving me nuts, it’s making it hard to live like this. If he can’t understand where I’m coming from how/why am I suppose to understand him. Am I wrong? Maybe I am wrong, and my Borderline is becoming too much to handle! Who really is having to handle my BPD? I suffer, he suffers, I feel like he’s making me suffer, I don’t want him him here but do not want to be alone. Would I be happier if he did leave, I mean my urges of straying are testing me every day I go outside. I want to throw in the towel for everything and call it quits. I imagine living in Cuba somewhere how nice it would be living life with no one and starting a new me, but think I would just be taking the old me to a new place. “Confusion is a different kind of thinking.”

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