first time

When I was 16 I started using this website called free open diary just to let some of what was bottling up inside of me out… 13 years later I find this website.  I’m listening to music, sitting on the couch alone on a Friday night. I’m okay with this. I’m actually pretty tired. Still it would be nice to have a woman here with me.  2 weeks okay a girl came over to watch a movie with me. We watched final destination 5 not because we thought it was a good movie but to laugh at it and have a good time talking to eachother during the movie.  She’s a great girl, but unfortunately it won’t work out for a few reasons. 1 being we do not share the same Faith, and the other being that that I am planning on leaving soon.  I am a reservist in the Army and I am in the process of switching to Full time Army (active duty).  At some point I will hear back from my superiors letting me know if I have been released from my unit.  Anyways, this girl did not want something temporary and I don’t blame her.  I blame myself because we were just friends spending time together and I was fine with it staying that way but I crossed the line by kissing her one night.  She liked me and I liked her but it won’t work.  So I guess her friends were telling her that I was just trying to use her, to get something and then just leave.  I never should have kissed her.  At least then we could still be hanging out as friends.  We never had sex but we did lie down together and just hold each other.  I think we were both lonely and enjoyed that. I know I did.  She’s looking for something serious though.  I am too. But it won’t work.  One night I told her I didn’t want to stop her from finding a guy who is stable, someone who is going to be here.  After this she said maybe we should just be friends.  It hurt a lot surprisingly.  I didn’t think it would hurt like that.  So I guess we are friends.  But we haven’t talked or seen each other since that night.  We were drinking and you should never have serious discussions about a relationship when you’ve been drinking.  I wonder if she thinks about me. 

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