Last night got pretty intense. The accumulation of stress at work, fighting with my best friend and the general anxiety stuff all erupted into the worst depression flare up yet.
First just lying on the floor crying my eyes out, drooling into the carpet, followed by erratic pacing about the room, holding onto to furniture, breathing far too heavily and then the panic attack. Hyperventilating, nostrils filled up with snot, so they’re not good for breathing anymore, the fingers start to tingle, dizziness, faintness, have to sit down again, sight gets blurry. Not that that mattered, the room is dark anyways. Trying not to make much noise so I won’t concern my parents, but the sobbing is uncontrollable now. I feel as if I pass out any time now.
This is what it feels like when depression / anxiety / bipolar disorder (who knows that for sure anyways?) hits you. Out of no where comes this dark and heavy blanket of all the negative emotions you can conjure, engulfing you, smothering you, choking you. You can feel it. It’s physical too. It’s like an alien has climbed inside of you, taking over all control panels. All levers.
The only way to get through this is to hold tight, and sit it out. Ride that stupid, motherfucker of a trip out. It’s gonna pass. Fuck you.