I believe pain is the strongest emotion to feel. Not only the strongest, but the worst one to experience. There’s no solution to fixing the ache, no matter how hard you try.
To me, there’s more than one type of pain. There’s the slow, steady burn in your chest. The burn that is manageable, but it’s enough to make you lose hope. It’s enough to make you numb.
Then there’s the undesirable burn that you feel. The feeling that ignites a fire that you can’t escape. The feeling where you’re drowning, and you can’t come up for air with all the sadness pulling you down like an anchor.
I cant decide which one is worse. Being numb or not being able to breathe. Maybe they’re the same. I’ve witnessed both and both have made me lose all faith in people, love and most importantly, myself as a human being.
Spending time alone has been a factor of me witnessing these. I’ve spent my nights grasping for air, wondering if I’ll ever be okay again. Wondering if I’ll ever have the satisfaction of being loved.
I’ll never forget the first time I witnessed the unpleasant, and unwelcoming pain. I was 13, and was just beginning to experience real feelings for another, but that’s another story I’ll leave for a different entry.
In a fucked up way, I’m glad I got to witness these emotions. They’ve shaped me into who I am as a person today, and as life goes on, and the more ache that comes into my life, it will continue to build me. Build me into a stronger, and wiser person, that I can’t wait to be.