This journal entry is a letter to the kids that I have been raising for the past 6 years. I’m sure they won’t see it anytime soon, but maybe in the near future…or distant future…or perhaps when I’m not here anymore some of you lovely Twitter folks who actually know my identity can point them to it. *Ahem, clears throat*…
This was nothing that any of us expected. This meaning me being the one raising you. Not your mother, not you, and especially not me. It’s not that I never wanted kids…at one point I did. It’s something that I kinda went back and forth on my whole life until I reached my 30’s and I realized that I did NOT in fact want to have kids. Not that I never thought about stepchildren…that was always an option, I just decided against purposely getting pregnant and birthing children myself. I was actually a stepmother for 3 years when I raised my fiancé’s daughter…and I loved every second of it. But then…3 years later, you two came into my life. You were already there (as you are my nieces)…but you fell into my lap to raise. I was not prepared…I wasn’t ready…I was in a bad place in my life at the time. But, if I’ve learned anything, it’s that raising kids will snap you out of that quickly because it’s no longer yourself you are concerned with. There was suddenly 2 little lives in my hands that I was not responsible for before. I know we had a rocky first year. I was mad…A LOT. But, I want you to know I wasn’t mad at you….even if at times it seemed I took it out on you. You guys were just an innocent 6 year old and 2 year old. I was mad at life. I was mad at your mom. I was mad at myself. I didn’t know what was going on or what was going to happen. But, after that first year…mothering you just started becoming natural. Once I adjusted to the routine of school, homework, baths, messes, constant noise, sports, etc… After a while you just kinda get the hang of being a parent. It probably sounds scary to have your life in the hands of someone that feels this way, but trust me, it’s something all parents go through. I have now had you in my care for 6 years next month. You both have taught me so much. I love you just as though you are my own and it’s hard to fathom you ever not being such an intricate part of my life. It’s like you’ve always been mine. I know Lil J (who is older) spent half of your life with your parents and half with me and Nana, whereas Little M was only 2 years old when we got you and we are all you have ever known. I know in your hearts you have that burning desire of what it would be like to be raised by your mom and dad…but I also know that me and your Nana are HOME. We’ve been your stability and your safety net in uncertain times. I want you BOTH to know I will always be your safety net. We just recently found out that your mother is pregnant. I know you’re both very excited to have a brother or sister. I also know that it’s going to be confusing you being with us and it being with your parents. That breaks my heart. I want you to ALWAYS know that you are loved…and you always have been. This may be the case where your mom feels the need to take you back and raise you herself. I’m not going to lie, it breaks my heart to think about that. I don’t know how I would feel losing you after all of these years of you being mine. I do know that whatever the outcome, I’ll always fight for what’s BEST FOR YOU. If you do end up back with your parents, I will ALWAYS be here. Me and your Nana both will always have open arms to welcome you…whether it be to visit, or get away, or to live with. I know it’s going to seem like this baby is a priority over you. But that will never be the case. Babies in general are needy ;). They take a lot of care and attention. But you, J & M…will always have a special place in my heart. Always know that you are loved. I know I have fallen short many, many times being a parent. I’m not the greatest..and not even the best role model…but one thing is for sure….you always come FIRST in my life. I will always put you above myself. I’ll always be that safe space for you when the world is hard, hurtful, and confusing. You 2 have been lucky to have not only the love of 2 parents….but of 4 parents. And there are many more people out there who love you so much. You both are insanely talented and beautiful…and I’m proud of the little people you have become. I hope that I have been able to play a small part in that. I know you didn’t choose me as your parent….but for whatever reason, God wanted you to be mine…and me to be yours. I’ll always be grateful for the time I have with you whether it just be a little while longer or until you’re adults. You’ll always be my lil best friends too. My greatest fear (selfishly) is that one day when you are all grown up that you will forget about me. If you choose to do so, just know my love for you is never ending….even when I’m mad and get onto you, that will always be true. I hope you know for the rest of your lives just how LOVED YOU BOTH ARE.
Your Aunt K