First Day, New Journal (Public)

Okay, I haven’t had an online journal since OD closed (actually I stopped using my account there a few years before that).  So, let’s see, who am I?

I’m 49, retired law enforcement, a father of 3 great (adult) kids, and grandfather to 6 awesome micro-mini-me heathens.  I’m a published author with a fantasy/action series going (not that anyone actually reads it, but it’s out there :p ).   Book 3 should be coming out soon.  I teach martial arts (jujutsu and aikido, plus kenjutsu and other weapons, help teach Tai Chi [a new passion]), and try to keep up on other arts I’m ranked in or have studied.  I have been married four times (save the criticism, I can finally spot narcissists and sociopaths even when they have pretty faces).   I have been separated for almost 2 years from the woman I’ve loved since we were babies and to whom I was married in 2006.  I didn’t think I’d get through that but as I began picking up the pieces, I realized a lot of those pieces needed to be swept up and tossed away.  I wanted to start blogging again back then, but didn’t.  Probably a good thing, even I wouldn’t want to read that drivel.

I’m realizing how much my social anxiety has affected my life and how much ignoring it and forcing myself to act counter to it has just made it much worse.  Until recently that was augmented by a healthy dose of PTSD and some other gobbledeegook, but even that is better now.  I’m blessed with good friends and a special lady who understand (mostly) and who give me space (mostly) but don’t quite let me disappear completely.  I think my oldest daughter gets it most of all. All my kids love me and are great, she just seems to have been saddled with my weirdness.  Her sister is more social butterfly (good for her!) and my son … he seems to share entirely too much of my youthful insecurities (proud of him, I just owe him an apology for half his DNA). 😉

My LEO career was in a tourist town and I’ve seen and worked a lot of bad stuff.  After retiring I decided it was time to finally start dealing with PTSD I had been ignoring for so many years.  Surprise!  Ignoring it does not, in fact, make it go away.  I saw a psychologist for about 9 months to help with grief from the divorce as well as all the pent up … crap.  I learned a lot of ways to keep the darkness where it belongs and to be able to find my way back out.

SOMETHING is better because for about a month, until just the other day, I realized that for the first time since I was 12 or so, I wasn’t having depression issues.  No meds, I was just … normal.  I got angry at things, but got over it.  Some things got me sad, but I got over it.  I got down from time to time but snapped out.  I was … as weird as it sounds … “normal.”  In truth, I’m probably still there, I’ve just had a ton of forced social interaction of late and that’s got me wanting to bury my head in the sand.  All in all, I’m doing pretty darn good.  Signed divorce papers the other day and felt really very little, a wee touch of regret, a whisper of “if only,” but I had solace knowing I hadn’t done this, had done all I could to keep us going but it takes two and when one is an empty vessel, well, as I said, I was okay.

The dojo where I train just closed.  Big man is moving out of state (has been out for a long time at his actual career) as he’s getting divorced and they just raised our dojo rent.  Looks like we’ll be sharing space with another training center starting in a few weeks.  He’s talking about leaving all that to me to handle (which means the money better be going into MY account).  I’m nervous but lately I’ve followed the Biblical admonishment to leave one’s troubles to God.  In truth I have been covered up donating my time teaching at that school, keeping it going.  Now maybe I can make some pocket change … or whatever.  I’m not going to worry about it and if it folds because of another otherwise great man’s piss poor planning, well that, too will be an ending that is not my fault, though I will do what I can (but ONLY what I reasonably can) to keep it there for the students.

So, me, Dixie the Wonderdog, Smokey the big and sort of sweet cat, and a nice girlfriend that pops in sometimes (drives me nuts if she stays here too much … not due to her, just my weirdness).  I was upper middle class or so, but now single with just my pension I’m more just barely in the middle class category.  BUT, I own my house.  It’s not perfect, and needs work, but it’s MINE.  I have enough and that’s all that really matters.  I’m in good health.  Sure, I need a couple pills to keep me healthy but if low thyroid and heartburn are my only real problems at 49 with almost 27 years in a career known for ruining one’s health (post retirement survival rate is rated by some at 6 years), I cannot complain. 

In fact, I really can’t complain period.  I have enough when so many do not.  I have some frivolities like satellite TV and high speed internet access, and my own home.  I have so much and I find myself reflecting on that more and more and wanting very little else.   Hey, I have my moments. :p

Well, here’s the first public page o’this thing.  I’d say future entries will be shorter but I’m a wordy guy.  I’d say they’ll all be much funnier, but I’m told my sense of humor is … odd.  In any case, here I am! 😀

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