10:00am – I never thought in 100 million years that I’d be excited for an AA meeting! I was always excited to get out of work so that I could have a beer – or sadly, excited to stay in Bath so that I could drink! There’s a lot of shame for me in admitting that! But it’s true!
Now I’m excited to go to a place where there are a bunch of drinks, but none of them are drinking! Go figure!! But the cool thing is that it’s a room full of recovering drunks that help each other and it’s so helpful.
The group that I go to in the next town over is SO much better than the couple of meetings that I’ve attended in the town that I’m in now! Plus, I go with the guy that I mentioned before who has been sober for 26years and I get a lot of encouragement and Intel from Him.
The meetings that Ive gone to here, the people don’t seem committed. They don’t seem serious or sincere! They seem like they’re there because they’re court ordered or something. I like the group outside of town because everyone is dedicated, supportive and open.
9:30pm – What a great meeting! I volunteered to speak first! I was eager to get some thoughts and bothers out of my system! Something propelled me to get it out.
I talked about the shame, the guilt and the hatred that I feel for myself! I talked about how I hate myself for ever hurting LLS while drinking or hungover! I really let myself have it! I wasn’t taking my anger at myself out on anybody else like I sometimes did when I was drunk! It was basically like I was yelling at myself! ……then something amazing happened!
Everyone else that followed me in speaking were there to talk about their history, their feelings and etc – but EVERY SINGLE PERSON took the time to address me and ensure me that everything would be ok! Not to beat myself, and that I was a GOOD person!
I was told that there are a lot of people who do bad things and that it doesn’t phase them. I was told that feeling guilty and feeling shame was a good thing and that it showed that I had a strong character! It shows the good in me!
I was told that feeling bad only solidifies that I have a conscious! Having a conscious proves that I’m a good person. It was so nice to hear!
I’m really enjoying Sobriety! I don’t think that anything can bring me down!
I also learned that I need to have Patience with myself! I can’t fix everything in one day! I also learned that I have to be patient with anyone that I hurt. Time heals all wounds, but if I am not patient and I try to force people into forgiving me — that I’m just scratching and digging at a wound! If I keep scratching and digging at the wound – it will never heal!
I wish that I were ready to quit before now! But I can’t change the past. I can only dictate how I react to the future.
I feel good! I almost feel guilty for feeling happy after the bad things that I’ve done because of drinking. A part of me feels like maybe I’m not worthy of the happiness that I’m feeling now.. I’ll probably discuss that in the next meeting!
Time for some shut eye! I have band rehearsal tomorrow and I want to stop to pick up a little something For the boys!
Boy do I love and miss Them – and their Mom too. I really do hope that She and I can fix things. I feel like we’re right for each other! I just feel like my drinking was the only issue.