Not Good, Not Good At All…..

 Well all the goodness seems gone and what is left is circling the drain.

To begin with, the pain is slowly returning. I have pains in my hip, which really is the Sciatic Nerve being irritated or inflamed. The stooped over position allows some relief when I walk.  At night I have problems with the pain when I move or roll over. All of this is just like the beginning of this ordeal. 

Then I was notified last Friday that my FMLA ended as of June 25, 2017, so now I do not even have protection for my job. I have applied for a Leave of Absence without pay, but when I picked up the papers I read that this should have been applied for two weeks ago. I can only hope and pray they will allow this so I can keep my job. Nothing has been told to me, nothing passed along from my Boss and we have been in steady contact through all of this. I feel the blame lays in the hands of Human Resources.

Today I talked to the Benefits Department about filing for my retirement. I am eligible to draw $625 a month, plus I can draw out my 457 savings accounts as retirement and not get hammered on the taxes.

But I will lose my health insurance. When I was hired I was promised to be able to take my insurance when I leave, but a bastard named Ron Littlefield fucked us by taking that benefit away. I will have to go on my wife’s insurance policy.

Financially I think things will work out. What I will draw enough to make the motorcycle payments, and the 457 draw down will cover most of my other debt. My income from my two pensions will equal almost $1,000 a month.

I am trying to file for my Long Term Disability, waiting on a phone call so I can get that started.

And with all this my old demon depression has returned.

I feel things would have been so much better for everyone if I had not woke up from the anesthesia for surgery. The thoughts of escaping all this by dying sounds so much better with each day. I now am getting angry when I wake up, not waking up seems so pleasant. I would rather be dead than deal with the tension, the returning constant pain and the insecurity. When I was hurting the worst I thought about ending it all with a single bullet into my head. I am old. I am tired. I do not want to be a burden and have my family hate me. I do not want to have to sell off all the things I have just to stay a live and leave nothing for my wife and family. I am afraid that I will slowly slip back to the state I was in before surgery and I cannot even fathom existing with that pain again.

The relationship between my wife and I is strained. She is over loaded with worry about finances. She is worried I will not go back to work. And she hates her job. Add all that together and she is a powder keg waiting for one more spark to ignite. I worry deep down inside that I will end up homeless and on the street. She says no, but the amount of tension and her short fuse speaks volumes. I don’t know, maybe it is just me and my damn Demon. All I hear, feel and see rattles sabers in the darkest closets of my mind. Maybe I am just crazy. Fuck, maybe the world would be better off if I was gone.

I hate me…..

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