Day 3 – First day back at work

Today has been a little more interesting in terms of what I did throughout the day seeing as I was actually back at work. Got up at around 11 and had a shower and had breakfast as usual. The worst thing about today was that it was typical British weather and it was absolutely pissing it down outside. Pretty much had to get out the antarctic clothes out and bike the 4 miles to work in the downpour and boy did i get drenched. Got to work and was looking like a drowned rat.

Today’s shift was 2-9:30 and i was on ushering which meant I stood at the foyer which was the entrance to the screens and checked tickets and then cleaned screens at the end of films (swapping with two other guys and a girl). This was pretty much what went on for the whole shift except it was pretty dead until about 4 so was trying to have conversations with my colleges as best as i could really. I’m still new to be honest as I only did a month there before returning to uni until now so I find it pretty hard to make conversations with anyone as i’m not really good friends with anyone and I feel like i’m just getting judged every time i speak.

Working at a movie theatre does involve a lot of people watching seeing as I greet everyone that comes up and goes into a movie. My mouth pretty much hurts from all the constant smiling I have to do at everyone. This is except for all the girls that come in, any nice and friendly or pretty girls that come in usually warm me up inside in a weird way. I mean i know they are probably only giving me a fake smile but i like to think they are genuinely smiling and it makes me happy in a way. 

The only downside to the people watching is that a lot of couples come in to watch films together as you would expect and it just depressed me thinking about the fact I can’t do that currently, there isn’t much i wouldn’t do right now to have a girlfriend and be able to go and dates and everything that comes with it. Even just finishing work and being able to go back home and be with them makes me happy thinking about doing that. Quite a lot of girls came in today that were definitely my type of girl if you believe in that thing. The hope is that i drop a few pounds and it helps with the anxiety to speak to girls and maybe ask one out when i’m not at work.

I finally finished work at half 9 and my legs were killing me, haven’t been at work for while so standing up constantly for seven hours makes your legs ache a bit haha. Luckily the rain had died down a bit and I manage to bike home and stay fairly dry.

Since I’ve got home I have just had some super noodles as it’s too late to cook anything now and we don’t have much else to eat really. Just been listening to music and I messaged Maddie on Tinder again hoping she would reply, after about half an hour she replied and then i sent another message and she replied to which now she hasn’t replied to my latest message I sent. Tonight I only got 2 messages out of her before she stopped, she said she wasn’t at work and was having a lazy day so she could have just fell asleep but i usually expect the worst and i’m guessing she hasn’t. I’d literally just rather her tell me she wasn’t interested now rather than do this for another few days until she removes me, its happened a fair few times in the past and it just makes me wonder what I did wrong or what they are looking for, I’d like to think i’m nice and fun to talk to but maybe not, I dunno really, just depressing every time it happens. 

The reason I started to make these journals everyday is to give insight to others what it’s like to be a guy in this day and age and maybe show others that its not strange for a guy to be sensitive or have feelings i suppose. Sometimes I wish i was a girl so it would be acceptable for me to go and cry to someone else and be comforted rather than told to man up or something. I pretty much go throughout my life wearing a mask and never show anyone whats under really which i can imagine a lot of people do. Sometimes I do just want a bit of attention really which i dont think is bad but i dont let myself get it as im afraid of what people would say if they found out about this kind of stuff like even just writing this journal.

I’m probably going to end today here as I’ve basically started crying a bit already and I don’t want people to think I am just an attention seeker or something because I’m definitely not, although that should be evident as I am writing this anomalously.

Thanks for reading again (If anyone does) 

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