rambles of chaos

so here ive done it again. hurting people i love that love me. im so good at it. i hate doing it. but yet it happens time and time again. i say that i dont have fear. i think thats wrong. i have lots of fear. and its all the worst kind. fear of confrontation, fear of telling the truth it seems, and maybe fear of commitment. i cant stay at one job, im always buying different cars. maybe i dont know how. maybe i need to get the fuck over it. was i settling? i dont know. but it wasnt all bad. is/was she settling? comfortable? i dont know. i know she loved me most of the time. i gave her reason to not love me alot. tinder, craigslist, texts. all stupid shit. if i didnt want to be with her, why couldnt i just say so? confrontation. if i was upset or bored, why couldnt i say anything? confrontation. if i thought i was holding her back or that she was settling, why couldnt i say anything? confrontation. seems to be one of my biggest problems. i lie because of it. i dont tell the whole truth because of it. i destroy things because of it. i say im a nice person, and i can be at times. but in reality, im not. i say i love chaos. i think i just am chaos. but then, besides the whole confrontation thing, im in a constant search. when im with someone. i constantly search for more. i dont actually know why i do this. i dont know if im looking for better. having a back up plan or what. but i do it. which leads to getting caught, which leads to questions, which leads me to lie and avoid confrontation. am i seeking constant approval? why am i so deathly afraid of confrontation? i want to solve these. i need to solve these. if i ever want to be truely happy with someone, i need to fix this. ive tried to do it on my own. doesnt work. ive been to a therapists, but i didnt trust him and didnt open up. i lied again. avoided confrontation. now im here, typing this to the world. while she is feeling, what i can only imagine is pain, hurt, betrayed, confused, and so many other feelings. i dont thing we should be together anymore. i do believe that both of us were starting to settle. we make the best of friends, truely the best. but in a relationship, it was not well. but still, she doesnt deserve that at all. i keep saying no no i wont lie anymore. i wont do that anymore. and im good for a little while. then, like an addict, slip right back into it. i dont know. i have to much in my head with so much going on. i dont know how i feel anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. and i dont know how to fix ME.

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