Few weeks past….and I killed innocent animals

It’s been a few weeks since my last entry. 
Found out that the CT scan for my entire abdomen shows there is nothing wrong with me, except a spot of fat on my liver. Nothing wrong with the Gallbladder or anything. So, I have to wait and see if I have another episode like that and then call them again and then they will figure it out. Oh joy.
Other than that, things had been going well. Then over the weekend Nathan invited an old fuck buddy of his over while I was at work and they drank together. Oh, was I furious when I found out. I screamed and threw things. Ugh. I almost left him, even though they never did anything. Apparently she was having issues with her husband and was confiding in him because they were childhood friends too.  She’s with a new guy she really likes and yadda yadda. She had a drink and Nathan had like 4 and then he puked everywhere since he drank a whole bottle of Jack by himself basically. Whatever. Pretty sure they didn’t get it on while he was puking.
Anyways. We made up and shit.

The worst part… It made me sob just like when Blue passed.
Then yesterday, I accidentally killed a mother duck and two of her ducklings.
I was on my way home from work.  It was storming out so the rain was thicker on the highway.  I’ve been replaying it in my mind ever since…  I didn’t see them until they were right in the middle of the road.  The mother and I believe she had 12 ducklings with her.  I slammed on my breaks and tried to veer so miss the majority…I ran over two of the ducklings and I don’t believe I ran over the mother…but her head or neck hit my bumper. I pulled over and just burst into tears. I should have never turned around to see what I did, but I did…
The mother was still twitching, but couldn’t her neck/head. two babies were dead…one did go under my tire and something happened to the other that caused it to die.  I don’t know if I killed all of them or just two because there was another vehicle right after me. I turned around and just bawled… then a Semi went over the mother again and I believe she died then…I don’t know what happened to her. She wasn’t on the road anymore, the ducklings ran to the side of the road and went down into the ditch. 
I cried all day long.. even heavily medicating myself to sleep and keep my anxiety down didn’t help. I cried and cried. 
Everyone has been telling me that it wasn’t my fault. Things like this happen all the time…But this stuff affects me so much differently.  I’ve been sobbing and screaming I’m sorry for the last 12 hours.  I still see them when I close my eyes. I can’t avoid that road.. I have to take it to work.  I keep beating myself up. I keep saying that I could have avoided it… I probably could have.   I was speeding…. I was going 5mph faster, which didn’t seem like a lot, but if I had gone slower, they would have had enough time to go over the road.  I could have fully missed them on the highway by going into the other lane. 
I called my husband and bawled, told me those things. He went to work. I called my mom and she told me the same. I’m so worried for those babies. 
I put it on a facebook group for selling stuff in our town/ surrounding areas to see if anyone would be able to go out and get them to take care of them. Someone ended up calling the Game and Fish Warden and they said they were going to figure out a plan. I have no idea if they ever went out to help them. 
This is just sitting on my mind. I can’t get it out and I don’t want to keep driving that road and I’m going to think of killing innocent babies and their mother and possibly costing all of their lives.
I’m so sorry I hurt them. omg I am so sorry.

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