Lost between love and lust

What does he want from me?

Sex? Attention? I know it’s not love he seeks. Men only want to please themselves. They aren’t capable of love. At least, not in their teenage years. Men only want to feel pleasure. They don’t want to get to know you. They don’t want to “fall in love”. Unless, lust is the new love. 

I don’t know why I am calling him a man… He’s still a teenage boy. Maybe because he’s older than I am. He doesn’t act much like a man, more like a pre-teen boy. But then again, I have always loved the younger souls. I just wish he wasn’t so…sexual.

I am only two years younger than him, but I am such a baby. I’ve never kissed a boy, unless you count pre-school. I’ve never performed any sexual activities with the opposite gender, and he has probably had so much experience. I am a prude. I have a desire to experience sexual love and I want to feel that feeling, but I am too afraid of embarrassing myself. I’m not talking about sex–I’m only 15. But maybe some other sexual things.

I always seem to fall too hard. Things were fun when we were just messing around. Then I caught feelings for him, and the idea of “us” has become a lot deeper than how it started. To him, I am just a fuck buddy. A toy. Someone to just have fun with. To me, he’s more. I want to know more. I want to understand him. I don’t know for sure how he feels about me, and I’m not going to ask. I could ruin it all. Then what would I be left with? I would rather be a toy to him and talk to him rather than be nothing and have no conversations. I want his attention, but not in a sexual manner. 

I know I am more than something to play with, but if that’s all that I am to him, then I am okay with it. At least I’m something.

Song of the entry: After Thoughts – Oddisee


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