blood is not thicker than water.

Its late morning in Sweden. 
I’ve got a hang over, my lips and cheek are bruised and cut, and I’ve got dried blood under my gums. 
I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I’m a fucking mess. 
Its only 10:30 but I’m already pushing down a glass of whiskey. 

My little brother is finally out of his coma and his health is recovering. My older brother contacted me online, I couldn’t get a hold of him on the count that my phone was broken into pieces. But he messaged me and told me that throughout the week his condition improved. He was placed into an induced medical coma initially.

After a few drinks I decided that it would be a good idea to see my parents. I’ve had this chip on my shoulder and I wanted to confront my cunt of a mother. So with some liquid courage (like the fucking coward that I am) I decided to go ‘confront’ her and Ramsay was keen on coming with me because he also wanted to give her shit to her face.

There ensued big fight, I wish I had never gone. But I knew there would be, I can’t lie.
When I first saw my mother, my immediate reaction was to give her a hug. This feeling snuck up on me and shocked me. I just wanted to feel my mother, and I wanted a hug so badly. But when she opened the door and she saw me standing there the look on her face was like she had seen a ghost. She stared at me in disbelief for what felt like a minute, but then she paused when she saw Ramsay was sitting in the car on the driveway. And then the look on her face changed to horror, and then she slapped me. I stood there, and I grabbed my cheek in pain and shock.  then she slapped me again, and she said “how dare you bring him here” and she shoved me backwards while yelling at me to ‘get out’, and there was a single step and i tripped on it and fell down. and she was screaming at me to leave and never bring him back again. and then ramsay ran from the car when he saw that i fell down. and i saw him running towards her with a look of rage on his face, so i got up as quickly as i could and i blocked him. and i told him to stop.because i knew he was really going to hurt her. then my father and brother ran outside and called the police and said he was going to have us arrested. so i begged ramsay to help me back to car because i had twisted my ankle and i just wanted to distract him from fighting. so we’re walking back to the car, but then my stupid fucking idiotic brother came after us and started talking shit to ramsay. but i begged ramsay to ignore him, but then my stupid fucking brother spit on ramsay. and im thinking ‘you fucking moron’, and ramsay just bolted towards him and they started to fight. and of all things he had a bat and he tried to hit ramsay with a fucking bat. then ramsay grabbed it and threw it from him, and started to beat him violently. my brothers face was completely covered in blood. and he started to bitch about “i cant breathe”. even though he was the aggressor i fucking knew that the police werent going to see it that way. so i pull ramsay off, and i fucking beg  him to come back to the car, and we got the fuck out of there fast. and my parents home is located on like the hill part of the stockholm islands/archipelago/suburbs so the fucking roads are  curved as fuck. i somehow dont fucking crash because this all happened around midnight, after i had found out.  so its dark and there are no streetlights, in this area its heavily wooded and the homes are built far apart. so the lights are scarce throughout the roads.

i am so fucking stupid. ramsay told me not to go. he said they dont fucking like me. he was right. he was so fucking right. she attacked me out of nowhere. i did nothing to her. i never even defended myself. and they fucking physically attacked me and spit on ramsay. this is suppose to be my family. 

ramsay told me this would happen. he knew it. he told me “they don’t give a fuck about you, dead or alive. If you had been the one that had crashed and been in the hospital instead of Valtyr, they wouldn’t give a shit”. And he was right. He is so right. 

and I first thought she was going to give me a hug, it looked like she really wanted to give me a hug. she looked like she wanted to embrace me. but she turned and glanced over at the car and she sees ramsay sitting there. and then her entire face and mood changes to horror. shes a fucking bitch and i hate her. i wish i could hate her as much as ramsay hates her. my father is fucking stupid because he has been training in martial arts for 50 years since he was 5 and he cant be in physical fights so he stayed back and just locked my mother inside the house and then my stupid fucking moronic brother got his ass kicked. and he deserve it. if anything, ramsay took it easy on him. 

but i still feel guilty because im the one that was bitching that i wanted to see my mother for a quick stop, my parents. i made ramsay fight. well, lesson fucking learned. i thought ramsay might me angry with me that i kept bitching to go there and then have him get into a fight, but he was actually laughing all the way back. and he was so happy and laughing that he beat the shit out of my brother. and then he kept saying “i wish i had gotten just a minute alone with your mother. she really deserves it. if anything i would have gladly beat the shit out of your father as well, both on the floor bleeding to death while i fucking give your mother what she deseves”. he kept ranting about ‘giving my mother what she deseves’ in the car. he kept laughing. hes fucking mad. but i wont ever defend that cunt again. she deserves it much worse.

i hate that saying “blood is thicker than water”. its the family that hurts you the most in the end. i just feel a million miles away from the girl i was once. and now they dont even recognize me. i dont feel sorry for myself. im honestly festering resentment and rage and i can understand where ramsay is coming from sometimes. 

i woke up this morning with a cut on my cheek from biting it when she slapped me. and theres dried blood in my mouth.. im fucking done. 

but the bright side in all of this drama and fucked up bullshit that i go through is that i can finally let it go. i couldnt before. but its real now. my family are dead to me. i dont even hate them because that would require that i give some feeling or thought about them, and i dont. i dont care for them. 

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