I cant wait to start university in two months. I’m also the most scared I’ve ever been in my entire life. its taken me long time to decide what I want to do with my life and to be honest I still don’t know. I started my A-levels with hope of being some chemical engineer or something did all the sciences and hard subjects I hate it I was completely miserable. I dropped out of school then and went to college to do different a-levels it started out good I enjoyed it more. I had my best friend there we were close. I didn’t make many other friends though I’m quite a shy person I guess and I don’t put myself out there much and that’s just due to lack of confidence with people.
The second year sucked I had to take up another subject so I said id do history in hopes I could pass and go to university study history or something but that changed quickly when I remembered how much I hated history the same topics you do right the way through school etc.. my other subjects were suffering to I took psychology second year was all math I hate math. I rarely went to college that year my best friend had dropped out, her daddy is a rich man in her eyes gave her shitty errant girl job that paid for all her fancy new things. I couldn’t say that she was making a mistake but she did. In the end I barely passed my grades from first year bringing my marks up just enough.
I’ve been working full time since, I always hated seeing my friends in university and having money, going out while I now work 9 to 5 in hard physical job in a factory I come home sleep and wake up again for work. I don’t have any friends really. so one day I decided enough is enough and I went looking for university courses I found one I wanted to do and applied I never in a million years thought id get in anywhere with my crap grades and bull poooped personal statement about why I wanted to do the course. my parents are now very excited for me to go. I know they started to get worried about my mental health and anxieties. but I cant help but get this feeling of doubt, like I’ve set myself up to fail again and that all that money that I’m loaning out is going to be for waste because I’m not smart enough to get a degree. I’m afraid to leave all I’ve known behind.
fear is a shitty feeling, I know I have to get passed this I have to do well because its my future and I feel like this is my last shot at life and to make something of myself other wise I’m just going to be another person who probably marries someone she doesn’t really like but is too afraid to be alone have kids who might end up like her or not, alone, no confidence, made nothing of her self, stuck on the treadmill and cant get off.
I have to fight this fear.