I know I know no one is perfect. No one at all. But I can’t help but want to be.
Part of my logic is… “if I’m perfect someone will genuinely want me”
if I tell any other Christian this logic they’ll say “God accepts you as you are and you are made perfectly in his image” give or take some words.
& honestly I know that. I get sad because when did that not become enough for me. Have I been fooling myself this whole time. Thinking that I truly believed that God wanting me and loving me is enough for me. This is an imperfection. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a real believer. I ask myself if I’m a follower of Christ and I then I force myself to forget I asked that question because I’m scared I’ll tell myself no and if I don’t truly believe in God then who wants me. He’s the only one that accepts me for me. If I don’t have him then I have no one who knows the deepest darkest parts of my soul. Who knows I’m not mean or malicious even though people love to say I am. He who loves me. If I can’t believe in him then horribly imperfect and incapable of achieving any of the goals I truly have. It all comes down to love and affection I guess. I feel like I put so much value into humans and so many of them let me down. My family has no clue. They can’t see past their own problems to really see the next person suffering. My friends, sometimes I wonder if I even have those. I feel like they don’t know anything about me. I feel like they don’t care to know. Even when I care to know everything about them.
I’m just tired of feeling alone and sad. That’s all. No one actually likes me. My family has to love me but think some of them resent me. My friends act like they like me but really never make time to hang out ever. I have no one to talk to about how I’m feeling and it’s all in my head and my head is getting full. I’m getting tired of trying to be perfect but I don’t know how to stop. I can’t stop.