It has literally taken me 2 days to get over somewhat the anxiety I brought on to myself by drinking Wednesday night. I have had absolute crippling anxiety all day Thursday and most of yesterday. Today I am starting to function again. The question I always ask is why do I do that to myself? Why do I drink ever? I am doing much better about not letting it get so out of control like I did this week, but Jesus, why do I even drink at all? It’s not even a physical hangover I’m talking about- not physically feeling sick, it’s so mentally and emotionally sick. I hate myself so much I don’t know how I will live another day. I was doing so well. I really was starting to feel better and stronger and do better and I fuck it up and I’m back to the wallowing in self-hatred again. Why can’t I be tough and strong and just let stuff roll off like so many other people? Why do I beat myself in the head, over and over again with every single mistake I have ever made since my earliest memories?
I have got to get started with a therapist soon. I will try to make that happen on Monday. I need some help.