Saturday July 1st

It has literally taken me 2 days to get over somewhat the anxiety I brought on to myself by drinking Wednesday night. I have had absolute crippling anxiety all day Thursday and most of yesterday. Today I am starting to function again. The question I always ask is why do I do that to myself? Why do I drink ever? I am doing much better about not letting it get so out of control like I did this week, but Jesus, why do I even drink at all? It’s not even a physical hangover I’m talking about- not physically feeling sick, it’s so mentally and emotionally sick. I hate myself so much I don’t know how I will live another day. I was doing so well. I really was starting to feel better and stronger and do better and I fuck it up and I’m back to the wallowing in self-hatred again. Why can’t I be tough and strong and just let stuff roll off like so many other people? Why do I beat myself in the head, over and over again with every single mistake I have ever made since my earliest memories?

I have got to get started with a therapist soon. I will try to make that happen on Monday. I need some help. 

2 thoughts on “Saturday July 1st”

  1. I totally understand. People like us with PTSD, anxiety, depression – our brains just don’t work the same as other peoples. The only thing that I can offer – that I constantly have to remind myself of is – is that it will cycle through in terms of that horrible anxiety, not being able to function and you will start to feel a bit better, more functioning. It sounds like you are maybe starting to come through a bit. Don’t beat yourself up – I know easier said than done. I like your “just keep swimming” motto and I always try to remind myself “one foot in front of the other”. It is just so damn hard at times. You aren’t alone out here even if it feels that way – even if it is just another stranger on the internet – I so get it.

  2. Holy moly, this sounds a lot like something I used to post back when I was reallyyy struggling with alcohol (I was getting drunk 5 nights a week). If I get beyond just the mild relaxation from drinking and into the buzz/drunk phase, I would suffer from inconsolable anxiety the next day or two as well. I’d wake up at 4 in the morning with my heart pounding and racing. It’s difficult. You tell yourself you can’t do it anymore, it’s not worth it, but it’s so easy to slip because you think you can handle it better this time around and stop when you want to. The most important thing is that you’re aware you’re doing this and you’re continuing to make the effort to do better like seeking professional help. For me, it helps when I remind myself how shitty I always feel afterward – and ask if I really want to put up with the aftermath. Good luck. Every day is a new day to try again.

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