I went to a different boxing class at a different gym today. It was much better than the other one. The first one was so hard- I think it has something to do with having a female teacher. I think women are harder – push other women harder than men push a class of women. They had a nicer space at this gym, too. More equipment. I know you don’t need fancy stuff to get into shape, but it makes it more fun than running around the block and up and down the stairs and doing a million burpees. I am still motivated to get strong. I do want to lose weight, but I want to get into good shape, too. I would like to be able to fight like Daredevil.
After boxing, I fixed myself 2 hamburger patties with cheese on them. I actually fixed it myself. I don’t usually do that. I then started working on cleaning my bathroom. I got that done, then took a shower, and now I’m just thinking about what to do next. I still need to do my Spanish lesson for today. I read my book on the train on the way to boxing. It’s actually getting a little more interesting to me now. I still will be glad when I finish it. I should try to have it done before I leave for Kentucky on the 10th. Surely I can do that.
So right now, my summer goals are fitness, learning Spanish, reading every day, drinking water, and improving my diet. I’ve read that it takes 21 days to make something a habit. I guess I need to shoot for 21 days in a row for everything. I know I spend way too much time on the computer. Since I’ve been in NY and had that easy job this semester, I was on it all day at school, too. Back in Kentucky, at least I was only on it at night. I’m really trying my best to make myself better. I wish I could stop feeling so ashamed about my past and stop dwelling on my mistakes and dwelling on things that make me so anxious.
Later, that same day…
I am struggling with myself right now. I was watching TV and I suddenly had this feeling come over me, “What are you doing here? What makes you think you can live in New York? What were you thinking moving here? You have duties, you have responsibilities, you should be ashamed moving away and leaving your family.”
I know I will never be normal, but jesus, it just seems to keep getting harder and harder to just keep living. I am trying with all I’ve fucking got to make a life for myself. I fucking busting my ass every day trying to be better and find some peace and find someone that will love me. Why is that so mother fucking impossible for me?