10 Thoughts I Had During My First Week of Clinical

It’s weird, man.

  1. Newborn babies look like hairless mole rats. But without the buck teeth. Which makes them 50x cuter. But only 50x cuter because they’re still wrinkly and wriggly and semitransparent.
  2. A doctor and his patient are talking about a bone marrow transplant, and I’m so hungry that all I can think about is how my boyfriend had wanted to order this oxtail bone marrow appetizer at this fancy pansy Italian restaurant – but didn’t. I wonder how oxtail bone marrow tastes. 
  3. A patient taught me today that the jugular veins are easy for self-injection of heroin, but the high is shorter (pros and cons, man, pros and cons).
  4. Saw the morgue right before taking my lunch break. That was really cool. Man, does this wormy, lukewarm spaghetti look and taste a lot more interesting today.
  5. Some of the nurses refer to us as ‘vampires’ and I wonder why they don’t realize it’s a shitty, outdated joke. But everyone’s always forcefully laughing at it, including me, so you win, nurses…you win.
  6. This guy must have been a professional burrito maker at some point in his life. How else would he have learned to perfectly swaddle this hairless mole rat with that baby blanket? I mean, PERFECTLY, you guys. Like a warm Chipotle burrito.
  7. I’ve never been more aware of each individual pore on my scalp until I started clinical. I can feel sweat oooozing out of every one of them each time I perform a draw. 
  8. It’s 2017! Why are we still holding people on the phone with Opus No. 1!
  9. You know you’re a phlebotomist when you feel a phone charger in the dark and think it’s the tubing attached to the butterfly needle in your bed – instead of, you know, a PHONE CHARGER like normal people would think?!?
  10. I started dreaming about sticking people so that’s how I know it’s starting to enter my subconscious now. I think it’s supposed to mean that I’m official or something.

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