I’d like to start this chapter saying that I can’t mesure my mental illness. As I said, I have depression and anxiety. Sometimes it feels like the sky is falling down. When it goes away for only one day, it feels like heaven. Like it wasn’t a big deal at all. Maybe that is why I keep quiting and coming back to therapy.
So, today was a good day. Actually, yesterday was too, as well. I had really few worries, I had no crisis, I felt bright and shiny even though I am always sleepy (because of the depression pills). Today I felt pretty well too. I don’t know if I should relate it to the fact that I was with bae (my bf). But I think it is related. That is pretty awkward to a cold person as me. Why would his presence be able to take my “sickness” away? I will keep an eye on it.
Also, today my dad had that awkward kind of conversation when they know their children are not doing very well. I am happy about it because I could let him know what I am going trough and now I will feel a little less guilty about not being able to do the things that I usually am.
It’s been 3 days that I am excercise in the morning. That is AWESOME! Actually, today I had sex when I woke up, so it was pretty easy to make this effort. I really enjoy having sex. As well as “making love”. So, I’m already drinking water, eating better and excercising in the morning. I didn’t think I would be able to do it. I will keep my progress and I am going to do it better every time. Also, I’m changing my medicine schedule so I can sleep better.
Tomorrow is monday. I am happy and sad about it. It is one more oportunity to make things right and work hard. But also, I have to face my responsabilities, which makes me fucking scary. I am so fucking scary about my university. About my research project, about the tests and about the work. I usually think that everything is going to go wrong. But they never did like I thought they would. If I make one little mistake, I think this is going to become an snowball and hit me hard. I think people will see I am weak and give up on me. I’ll pray they don’t. I’ll pray God and the universe gives me the will to show them I can fight for what I believe (and what I want as well). I want to be stronger. I am weak. I know that. I want to be stronger. I want to know how to be stronger. I don’t want to be weak. I don’t. I will be able to be stronger. I know that if I get strong enough, nothing (almost nothing, rs) will be able to stop me. At least not a single look from my teacher or whaterver. I will be.