I dont know what to do!

I love him more than anything in this world. He has my heart. And on occasion (used to be all the time) I feel that love back… here lately it’s hardly at all….. I really really think he’s here for the free ride. He won’t work, he lies to me, he has his friends over here all-day when I’m at work and when I get home. They would never leave if I didn’t finally make a big deal of it at the end of the night…. he knows I can’t stand people to be here constantly. Someone’s here now…. it’s ALWAYS… A couple of his friends, or “our friends” came over for a little bit today. I of course didn’t know they we’re coming…. It was very weird… I felt out of place, big-time. He kept looking at her, like the way he should look at me…. I felt uncomfortable. Then when they we’re leaving he got up and went in the other room. They went in there and talked. I don’t know what it is…. why does he hide stuff from me? it’s like I feel like I’m in this never ending circle of crap!!! He does some shady shit, I get upset. I now hardly ever call him out on it because 1. All his friends and him think I’m a complaining paranoid bitch I’m sure. and 2 because I choose my battles… everytime I bring something up that he did or whatnot it turns into a mean argument. He calls me a bitch, etc…. it’s not good. you know I don’t like to bitch. if he would just stop doing shady ass shit I never would have to…. there is so much more and I’m just done for now. 

I always have said…. “I would rather be alone than be with someone who makes me feel the way I’m feeling now.” I love him…. he has changed. I’m not happy anymore. Or most of the time anyways…. I guess I’m hesitant because what if I’m wrong, what if I am just really paranoid and don’t even know it, and he really loves me like he says…. I would be throwing it all away for nothing. One thing I’m not paranoid about is the way I’m feeling. And he knows how I feel and he is in the other room with his friend. If the situation was turned around I would be trying to figure things out with him. I would show him I love him and he is what I want… well, he is definitely showing me alright…

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