Tuesday July 4th

She only wanted love, didn’t bargain for this,

She can’t help but love him for the way that he is. 

Like the song lyrics, we codependents tend to love the wrong people for all the wrong reasons. I have never had a heathy relationship in all my 47 years. The last/only real relationship I had after my divorce was a dysfunctional nightmare. He is narcissistic. He is the most beautiful man I have ever seen in real life. But boy was he fucked up. He had previously struggled with drug addiction. Haha. I thought this made us perfect for each other. 🙂 I’m not kidding. I thought because I had an alcoholic father and a brother in recovery from drug addiction, I understood him and could love him like no one else. He didn’t care about me. He cheated on me with a married woman. He bought me nothing for Valentine’s Day or my birthday, and barely anything for Christmas.  I quietly resented him and passive-aggressively ruined the relationship. After which I mourned losing him for years. Literally years. In all honestly, if he showed up at my door today, I would have a very hard time saying no if he wanted me back. 

I always love the wrong men. At least now I am smart enough to stay by myself. I hate it sometimes- but I know it’s way better than being in a fucked up mess of a relationship. 

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