I know he keeps telling me that there is no right amount of time for feelings to happen. It’s either there or it isn’t. But I still have that voice in my head saying “slow down bitch!”. Then these questions come out. Can things really be this intense? How can he make me feel all these things in such short amount of time? How I can this be real and I haven’t even touched him?
I had a very long talk with my previous tonight. He’s concerned that I’m giving in to the first person who came along and said all the right things. Jake…Master… feels my previous didn’t treat me right and took advantage of me. I can’t and won’t defend the way he treated me. What I can say is that since that night he released me he never let go. He stayed in contact which some say was only for a piece of ass, and I won’t deny that has happened recently. But he was also there telling me to keep breathing. He let me rage my anger at him with hateful things that were only said in anger not truth. He picked me up when I needed. I guess simply put… He was a shitty Master and cared more about getting laid than me but he’s been a good friend. He’s been a safety net for me and I admit in the past few days I’ve had this panic at that. That Master will take over and my safety net will go away.
So anyway, our conversation… He asked what Master was into.. sexually. I said I really didn’t know our conversations aren’t based in sex. He couldn’t understand that. So he kept asking… are you going to get tied up or flogged when you meet? Again I replied as far as any of that goes I honestly have no clue. I have no idea what will happen on Wednesday. This upset him. I could tell his concern for me was real but he couldn’t see that I’m not meeting to simply fuck.
I admit that momentarily I doubted myself. I doubted Master. I questioned what the hell I was doing. But as the conversation changed to his new relationship it occurred to me that this man will never understand me or what’s inside me or what I desire from Master. His whole relationship and I think a majority of his life in general is focused around sex. He had the depth right in front of him for 7 years and not once actually saw it. I don’t blame him for that and I don’t hold resentment about it. I do feel sorry for him that he will never feel it. I feel it. It may only be a couple weeks but I feel it. I feel the sincerity in him. I feel the vulnerability in me and I feel a sense of peace and safety I’ve never known. And I realized that at some point(I’m guessing sooner rather than later) Master will become my safety net. My panic I was feeling wasn’t that he would let go of me, because he hasn’t, it was that I was starting to let go of him. That’s a little scary for me as I held tight to him for so long. But I know what I’m reaching to hold onto is so much better for me.