When I realised I’m a father and a bully…

This is not an easy task but it is a required process to help the healing process – if this ever happens.  

Names changed to protect my family:

Wife = Ann

Daughter = Sarah

Son = Joe

Everything changed on 02/07/2017 which started out as a pretty good day. Myself and Sarah made a pact the night before…if she agreed to do park run I’d jog upto park run (3 miles) and then next morning this is how the day started – brilliant.  I met Sarah and Ann at the site and ran the 2k course with my daughter and her friends. After completing the course my wife and Sarah headed home in the car and I decided to push myself and run home aswell.

As soon as I arrived home I knew something had gone on between my wife and Joe.

The night prior we had allowed two of Joes’ friends to stay over as he’d been doing exceptionally well at school and also so we could meet some of his new friends from the local ACF (Army Cadet Force).  As I entered the family room Joe was in one corner with headset on plugged into his laptop and my wife was in the kitchen quite upset. 

After showering and having a chat with Ann I decided to take the kids off for a coffee while Ann got ready for us to go out for the afternoon – and this is where it all goes wrong…

Myself and the two kids head down to the car after some reluctance from Joe but we got into the car and as I went round to the drivers side heard Joe shouting/screaming at Sarah for no apparent reason..I now had Sarah in tears and Ann all emotional who now decided she wanted to come – “Joe is not going to ruin the day..I’m coming for coffee aswell” – brilliant 🙁

Something then happened – I lost it. I went round to Joes’ passenger seat and tried to drag him out, seat belt was fastened so then I got into the back of the car to undo the car seat which ended up in a close quarters struggle/scuffle.  I dragged Joe out the car and we both held each other by our clothes and crashed against the wall…Joe gave out an almighty yelp – something had happened but all I did was hold on and we both fell…

I now had two screaming kids and now a passer by who did the right thing and asked what was going on…hard to explain rationally. Things were escalating pretty quick and now getting worse – Ann came down from the house to a pretty horrific scene – son on floor, daughter in bits and husband in shock/shame over of what had happened.

Turns out my son incurred a fracture tibia during our scuffle- which means as a father I have now assaulted a minor (my own son). This is not the Sunday I had in mind a few minutes ago.

Police are called, ambulance is called, witness statements taken, children and wife taken to hospital and I remain with police.  One last cuddle with daughter before she leaves “Daddy – I don’t want them to take you away!” as the shock and gravity of the situation starts to solidify.

I’m told by police to go into the house, do not speak to anyone and they will be in touch.

Ann texts from hospital saying its getting “crazy” – CPS (Child Protection Agency) and SS (Social Services) now involved and arranging witness statements – including from my 7 year old daughter (how scarring is this experience for her?)

Police arrive back at our home and inform me Joe OK but because of the seriousness of the situation I am to leave the property and not return until SS have made a full assessment and course of action – already guilty and condemned.

I have twenty mins to pack up my stuff and leave…Ann then calls – witness statements taken – Joe has decided not to press charges.  SS also ask medical staff to perform a full body check for further evidence of “abuse”…WTF!!! That hurt.

 My wife is amazing – holds it together, does not judge and ensures our children come first.

I’m told not to contact any member of my immediate family until authorized to do so. Now the enormity of the situation takes hold – this is massive.

SS inform Ann that both schools will be informed and we will now be on the “watch list” for abuse and a corrective plan/conduct agreement will be put in place for child protection. At this point 5 hours have passed between attempting to go for a coffee with children to diffuse a situation to our family being torn apart and being told not to communicate – the speed and suggestive nature of the situation is hard to fathom.

At this point my son has now been x-ray’d and leg placed in caste.  Ann and children taken back home after police ensuring I have left – now 8pm and kids hungry, school uniforms to sort out and Ann hardly misses a beat – even finds time to bath Sarah – truly unbelievable.

Next day – schools are informed – both say very surprised and Joes school even phone to ensure we’ve got everything right…At Sarahs’ school we also know the staff and Ann receives a call saying “Really?” – how has my daughter ended up embroiled in this mess.

I’ll continue this tomorrow but wanted to get the explosive elements out there…we are now in reflective/implosive phase but I need to write it all down in between trying to keep day to day life as normal as we can.  I’m not allowed home until issues resolved…this diary will be updated over the next few days as I find time. I think writing it down helps – lots to talk about – I need to change…something is clearly broken and needs some attention.

I also need to understand what makes me cross and how to manage situations better – long road ahead

2 thoughts on “When I realised I’m a father and a bully…”

  1. I work with families who are navigating the CPS system. I teach a parenting class/family program that a lot of parents in your position are required to take by their CPS case worker. Please know that you are not alone. A lot of people find themselves suddenly in this system when they never thought it possible. A lot of the families I work with come on their first day very upset about having to be there and with the assumption that we are judging them or trying to tell them how to raise their kids. Please know that there are people who will not judge you or assume anything. I’m very sorry about what happened to your son and what you and your family are going through now. I hope your process goes as smoothly as possible.

  2. Thanks BehindTheMirror. It’s really not where I/we expected to be. I’ve excluded myself from the family following one moment of insanity I can only describe as being like an out of body experience.
    Very kind words and yes – glad I’m not alone….long road ahead. Thank you again

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