So why did I marry a Narcissist? Simply put because I didn’t know. The few clues I had were easily over looked and as per narcissist ways – He was all love and roses. Except when he wasn’t – Then there would be endless warm fuzzies to help me forget the nasties. My favorite meal, buying me my favorite bands CD, letting me choose the movie for a change, compliments, sex (Which was usually withheld), a simple rose and on and on I could go.
I never even knew what a narcissist was until two years ago. Never heard the word much less know the characteristics. I was seeing a counselor after a life altering miscarriage (That’s another story) and we were discussing how my husband had been through it all. As I talked about his rapid deterioration in behavior, How he was now ruthless, vicious, nasty, mean and how unsupportive he’d become she started mention the word narcissist. She also discussed ‘Gaslighting’. Another term I’d never heard. I didn’t know what to make of it all. I had research to do….
At first I wasn’t convinced. My husband isn’t THAT mean, THAT vindictive, THAT egocentric is he? I went home and researched. Things added up. Not all of them but definitely a large majority of the attributes related to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I asked my husband to take a quiz for me (Not knowing it was about NPD and how Narcissistic a person is) and the answers worried…. the results scared me!
I can’t remember the exact results but it went something like this. The highest score you could get was 25. Celebrities often score around 20, anything under 18 is considered fine, Over 18 was considered NPD. I did the test on myself first – Returning a 4. My husband scored 22. I wasn’t sure what to make of everything but I still wasn’t convinced. Life went on even though we were in a shitty place as a couple. I’d been voicing my concerns; suggest couples counselling; trying to initiate tat spark back into our relationship but there was always something else. I was always put in the ‘When I get the time’ Category.
Slowly I realized that the NPD characteristics were becoming daily occurrences that I had just become so conditioned to dealing with that I didn’t even recognize them as abnormal. NPD had normalized my husbands foul behavior.
I was chatting to a friend about a relationship she had just ended with a Narcissist months later and it sparked a thought. I quizzed her about this relationship and what was so narcissistic about it. As she explained I was running a mental checklist – Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick… things became more apparent and I started to really grasp my marriage.
The final straw for me came when my husband had a roaring argument with me, The reason for the argument fails me now but his sign off for this argument went something like this ‘You women cage us wild beasts then wonder why when we break out we want to kill our family’. This marked the start of the unveiled threats and, for me, the demise of our marriage.