Tuesday

 To the Person Behind the Mirror,

I think about suicide often.  I have a plan.  There is a reason I have not done it…and that reason is a part of who I am.  I don’t like to make things difficult for other people.  I don’t quit jobs that make me miserable.  I don’t cut ties with friends who mistreat me.  I don’t break commitments that make my life harder.  And I will not kill myself.

My mom’s first husband committed suicide.  In fact he did it the same way I would.  With everything she has been though, I absolutely could not put her through that again.  But my mom will not be around forever.  Still, there are other people who would be unhappy if I killed myself.  Sometimes I think they wouldn’t be TOO unhappy, but it still goes against my personality to cause trouble for others.

But the thoughts still circle my brain every day and the desire to do it is strong.  Sometimes it takes so much of my mental energy just to resist that I have none left for other battles in my life.

I’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately.  In one, I was laying face down on the floor of a gymnasium, screaming “I need help”.  Sitting in the bleachers all around me were everyone I know.  But no one was bothered by my screaming.  It wasn’t like they were delighting in it either, but they were just…totally indifferent.  Watching me suffer, but feeling nothing about it.

Yesterday I was watering my garden and I saw a rainbow as I sprayed the hose.  I suddenly thought “I can do this.”  I pointed the hose straight up and let the water rain down on me and as the drops landed on my skin I felt like I was real.

When my mom woke up from her amputation, she was very disoriented.  It took a week for her to come back to reality.  She didn’t know where she was or what was going on.  But what she kept saying right after she woke up was “I’m not interested in playing this game anymore.”  That’s how I feel right now.  This feels like an unpleasant game and I don’t want to play anymore.

I wish you could write back to me.  I feel like I have no one.  I’ve told a couple people what I’m up against and they say things like “If you ever need to talk, I’m here.”  But…something’s not right about it.  It’s a nice offer but it’s not what I need.

I’ll write again.

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