Wednesday July 5th

I have a sore throat today. It started yesterday. I am worried if I am sick, I won’t be able to have my surgery. Hopefully it’s just from the stupid window unit air conditioning. You don’t realize how lovely central air is until you no longer have it. It’s just not a thing in NYC. Most places don’t have it. I don’t know how people live without it. I cannot sleep if I am hot. I suppose you would be used to it. 

It has now been a week since last Wednesday night when I drank too much. I am feeling better now. The huge burden of anxiety has subsided, and I’m back to my normal level of anxiety. I can completely understand how someone might make the decision to kill themselves when they are experiencing that. In the moment, you just cannot even imagine that you could ever feel better. Now that I’ve made that mistake a few times, I know that it will subside in time. A smarter person just wouldn’t keep making the same fucking mistake. I don’t know what the hell gets into me when I do that. The days after I do it, I hate myself so much and I don’t know how I will even go on. I don’t want to not drink- I’m not sure why that at age 47 I still feel peer pressure that makes me not want to say, “no thanks, I don’t drink.” Or to give up the choice to go sit at a bar and order a cocktail as an excuse to get out and meet people. I know in my mind the best choice is to never touch alcohol. It has never solved a single problem for anyone and most of the big fuckups in my life can be attributed to it. It is so, so stupid on my part. I suppose I can add that to the list of things I need to work on.

My weight was 131.8 this morning. I know that’s less than a pound down from yesterday, but at least it’s moving in the right direction. I must lose 10 pounds by September. I would like to lose 15, but if I lose 10, I will be pleased. My scale tells me my body fat percentage, too. It is slightly above 30% which is ridiculous. That number MUST decrease. I want to get that number down to a maximum of 24%. I can 100% control what I put in my mouth. There is zero excuse for letting myself get in such a shape. I am already at a huge disadvantage because I am old. I cannot be both old and fat. I will never get a date. I cannot control old, but I can control fat. I have to take the best care of myself I possibly can. I look in the mirror and I see my deep nasolabial folds, I see my jawline beginning to sag, my eyelids beginning to sag. I don’t have a lot of control over those issues. People that have all the surgeries to combat aging end up looking crazy. I wouldn’t do everything even if I had the money. That means I have to at least stay lean. 

Later, that same day…

I went to that gym today that I thought was going to be rowing. Wrong. It was stupid circuit training. Ugh. It was awful. I am only at 21 minutes of exercise after all that shit for an hour per my Apple watch. What the fuck. Yesterday fucking walking in the park gives me like 70 something minutes. For some reason, that is the only way I lose weight. These stupid exercise classes and shit, they don’t seem to do anything. Just plain old boring walking- putting in the time makes me lose weight. I’m feeling a little frustrated with it today. I hate being hungry and I still look so bad.I know I’ve exercised like 5 minutes and expect to see results. I am hopeful that my surgery will take away my appetite.  When I was losing weight last spring/summer, I didn’t starve myself. I can’t even remember what I was eating for breakfast in the summer. I don’t think I was fixing oatmeal at home like I did on school days. I think I set up a counseling appointment online for Saturday. I used an app, so unless someone calls me to tell me I don’t have an appointment, I will assume I do. 

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