Wishing It Would All End….

 My self loathing, my self hatred is growing worse each day.

 It seems the more I am around the house due to not being able to work is becoming as painful and agony filled as my back.

As I lay down at night I pray for death to come to me in my sleep. I awake depressed and stay in bed until she comes in and gets me out of bed. 

I am tired of hearing her say shit to me like, “are you done in the bathroom?” And once I answer “yes”, she says in a snarky manner “then I will turn the light off”. Why in Gods name does she have to say that? Just turn the fucking light off. I am a 58 year old male, not some teenager you are trying to teach a lesson.

 Then downstairs she wants some cole slaw from the fridge. For some reason she is unable to see it in a round container at the front of the top shelf. I will admit that there was one other container on top of it plus a lemon. I moved the lemon to a spot just vacated by her removing a bottle of juice and she let out her patented sigh and mumbled about the lemon occupying the place of the bottle.

 I was angered at this. I left the kitchen and went to another room. And of course all this was followed by a brief spat between us.

 Why must I be reminded of everything I do that is incorrect? Why this treatment of me as if I were a child? Is she angry that she has to work and that I am off waiting on another surgery?

 Why did I have to wake up from the last surgery?

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