Romanticizing Men and God

I have a very unhealthy obsession with men.

Mainly celebrities, but it’s so bad for me. 

I become so consumed with these celebrities and I fall in love with them so easily and then get my life ruined. I get jealous when my friends obsess over them, I get overwhelmed when I think of them with someone else, and I get crushed when reality hits me when I’m in my little fantasy world. 

I go through this many times. I guess because I’m so lonely in the real world that I focus my love and attention to these celebrities that will never really know I exist.

I wish I didn’t care about love. I wish I wasn’t such a whore for attention. Any kind of attention that a man gives me, I become a slave for their affection. I will do anything and everything to receive more. Maybe the word “slave” wasn’t the right word to use, but it’s true. Willingly or not, I am a sucker for a sense of love. 

I used to think love didn’t exist. I thought that maybe it was just a fragment of our imagination because of our longing to belong somewhere and feel at home when home doesn’t feel like home. We always want something, and when we receive it, we beg for more. I am loved by my family and friends, but I want more. Maybe that’s why I fall so quickly. Maybe that’s why I am so desperate. 

It is almost 2 o’clock my time, and I am already feeling sad. It’s probably from the music I am listening to on repeat. I wish I was simple. I am too complex and too insecure to feel loved. Why can’t what I have just be enough?

I went to a church today. I never really go to church, but my mother takes my brother to play at their playground, so I decided to go, since she told me I could drive. I went to search for the bathrooms and found myself alone in the Grace Chapel. I was praying aloud to Jesus–or whatever can hear me. My pleading prayers turned into sobbing demands quickly. I almost lost control of myself. I don’t usually talk to God as much as I should, but whenever I do, I end up crying because of my guilt of not being who He wants me to be. I used to pray every night, but God never answered my prayers or sent me any messages that proved to me that he was real, so I kind of stopped. Why continue to talk to someone when all they do is seem to ignore you? I believe in God 100%, but I don’t know if he believes in me.

I am sorry that this entry is all over the place today. I blame it on the coffee that I have been drinking. This entry took a took a different toll than I expected.

It feels good to just let it all out though, without restrictions. I’ve been trying so hard to write recently, but it’s been hard because I am such a perfectionist and want my entries to be in order all the time. But I don’t care anymore.

Hopefully God can guide me back on the correct path that I was supposed to be on. I feel like I’ve strayed away from Him and myself. I prayed for guidance, and I feel like writing this has helped.

I’ll keep you updated.

Song of the entry: If I Get High – Nothing But Thieves

-Savannah

 

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