Sort of dead but not really

Last night I tried to kill myself by overdosing. I felt like I had to get away from all the madness happening here. I couldn’t though. I know my family does this to protect me. They think the reason why I exposed my body to people through strangers online was because I just felt like it but that wasn’t it at all. I know what I did was wrong and I did it for a reason. I wanted to not feel alone. I know I was an idiot. I ruined my life. But I know I can surpass this. This is going to either be my end of my music career or an obstacle that I can overcome. I think I can overcome it hopefully. I am more then scared for it to pop into my future. For Christ sake I even looked up my name just in case something bad did pop up but thankfully and I pray that it never does. Last night was my last straw. My mother had freaked out over a photo I had taken of myself that she thought looked like I was acting “sexy” but I didn’t see that at all. I just saw a girl trying to be funny that was it. She bashed me with words and even hit me saying “I want you to feel bad. You don’t understand what you’ve done to yourself and your family”. When she asked why I did that I tried to tell her but she didn’t listen. She told me that wasn’t it. She said she knew I was lying. But I wasn’t. She couldn’t even tell that what I was saying was more true then she could possibly know. I had been so alone and I felt that void of emptiness inside. I wanted to fill up that void with whatever I could. I tried everything and anything to keep me happy but it didn’t work. I needed emotion when it got drastic. So that’s what I did. I tried finding it even if it meant going to the extreme. When I started I couldn’t stop because I felt like I finally felt something. I felt like I had a sense of belonging. This is what made me feel needed. My mom and dad didn’t help. And tbh my mom has made things worse on my account after the incident. She promised she wouldn’t tell anyone yet she told my grandparents and my principal. I don’t blame her thought I know it’s for my own safety but I wish she wouldn’t have. I’m ashamed of what I’ve done. I feel like I’ve shamed myself and my family. I pray that in the future it will be looked at as a time that I was only a stupid emotional teenager and nothing more. I know my future will end up to be a public one in the eyes of many. This, I promise, is the only thing I will have ever done that was to that extent. I know the consequences I must face and the day I have to face it throughout television will be the most difficult. 

One thought on “Sort of dead but not really”

  1. I am so glad that you aren’t dead. I know the feeling of loneliness–it seems to be the only thing that consumes my thoughts nowadays. I am struggling to find my own sense of belonging. With my parent’s tight leash, it’s very hard. But if it comes down to it, you are the only person that matters. You wake up with yourself and go to sleep with yourself. You are all you ever truly have. It’s hard to accept because it sounds like such a terrible thing. Oftentimes, I don’t want to wake up with myself because that’s worse than not waking up at all. I understand. But you must learn to love yourself.
    I once read that loneliness is a desperate sign that you need yourself, and I have never read anything more true. There was a time where I actually seemed to like myself. My looks, my body, my mind–all of it seemed so healthy that I practically worshiped myself. Then, I lost myself, and I can’t seem to pick myself back up. I’ve slowly been getting better by writing and music and distractions. Honestly, distractions are the only thing that seem to keep me going in this angry world. So, forget about what your parents think about you. As long as you are happy with yourself, you will be okay. Find distractions that are healthy. Sometimes, men aren’t the answer. Lust sometimes isn’t the answer. The best advice I can give is to just find a distraction or a few. It will help you tremendously. Stay positive. You are worthy.

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