25. Just not…normal

Day 1. Failure.     Day 2. Success.

 

Today was my second day at long horn, it wasn’t a complete disaster like Wednesday was. I think I may actually like this job more then I expected. Although, the kid that asked me if I had ever done heroin, probably, wont be my favorite person. I just can’t comprehend  how you have known me for less then and hour, and that’s the first thing you ask me. What ever happened to, “hey man, what kind of music do you this to?”. What the fuck????????

                                              Mind. Blown.

 

Ann came over for a little bit. We watched one episode of Wentworth.

 

                                                                                                         Love that fucking show!

I didn’t have the chance to see her at all today. It….well, it sucks. I have seen her every day for almost two weeks. Suppose I was just spoiling myself. Times like these make me really regret my actions causing her to move out. My house is so…….quiet. Silent.  

   Every now and again, I talk to the dogs, but they aren’t exactly very good with holding conversations. I love their company none the less. I’ll eventually get used to living alone again.

 

In an over all stand point, I’m feeling a tad less anxious about things today. Nothing much has changed, but I know things are going to look up. I just have to hold my ground, get through this patch. I have taken steps to accomplish many things I want to, but I have to remember Rome wasn’t build in one  night. Creeping closer to thirty, I just can’t help but feel like I should have accomplished more by now. The fact I feel I’m ‘behind schedule’ is really eating away at my thoughts, and motivation.

 

Tomorrow afternoon I have a job interview. I know I complain about being overwhelmed with everything taking place, sadly I need the money. Not working for almost two weeks as really screwed my finances. Past due bills are pounding at my door,  causing an “ex” to breath down my neck. All this, crashing down on me, and the only thing I want to do is buy a house, have a yard for the pups to run in. A home that isn’t tainted. Everything about this house reminds me of Antoinette. It’s the house we were suppose to live in when we got married, had out first child, where I found out in reality, I was nothing to her. I don’t miss her, I miss who I thought she was, though not as a love, but as a friend. She walked with my entire transition. Possibly in a sense loved me, but through those years she was a good support system. Ya know, until she bashed me for it. Maybe it’s simply because  I thought she was someone she isn’t, because I thought we had something real, and it wasn’t. It was a waste of time, of love, money.

                                                                                      IM FUCKING BITTER!

I have an engagement ring I can’t get rid of. A whole in my heart of self hate, because someone I thought accepted my for who I am, really didn’t. It puts this constant question flowing in ever inch of me….

                                                                       Could anyone really love me, for me?

                                                                       Ann can’t possibly be that way, I know it.

                                                                       I’m still scared. I’m just not….normal…

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