First Journal Entry

Do you ever feel like your whole world is crashing and crumbling around you? Like liquid is filling inside of your lungs and you can’t breath, you’re unable to do anything other than accept the fact that you’re drowning? That’s exactly how I felt today as I sat daydreaming on the rocks in La Herradura, the tears streaming down my cheeks like rain dribbling down a window on a stormy day. 


I try so hard to be this idea I have in my head of the ‘perfect person’-A person that is constantly joyous and amazingly bubbly, the type of person that makes every passing person smile for no particular reason, perfect in every way with zero effort made. Deep down i know that there is no such thing as the ‘perfect’ person as perfection is an illusion; nobody is ‘perfect’ because ‘perfect’ doesn’t exist. Although I am aware of all of that, I still try to be this person, my version of the ‘perfect’ person; which of course is unachievable. I’m left feeling drained, like somebody has pulled a plug hole out of my skin and everything in my body has escaped- it’s perhaps the worst feeling to possibly be felt. 


I try to be somebody else because no matter what i do i can’t love and accept myself for who i am. I’m a horrible person- I’m not kind, I’m cynical, selfish, negative and very pessimistic. Jeez, I try so fricking hard to conceal it but sometimes it all just gets too much- faking smiles, laughs and kind comments when deep down, i honestly couldn’t care less. When it all gets too much, it’s almost as though i turn into a werwolf, i completely shut down. I don’t talk to anybody, i don’t feel anything, i act like the real me-miserable and heartless which causes the feeling o

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