I haven’t written in a long time, and this is the best place for me to put all the things that have been swirling. It’s been nearly a year since the end came with the Lion. To my last knowledge he’s still blissfully attached to his lady. Then again that was based on Facebook and let’s face it, we all put a happy face on Facebook to make everything look perfect. I’m that rare bird that I don’t really care anymore. I gave up caring what people think of how I view the world. I’ve been told that I’m going to die a lonely bitch because of the way I see the world. What’s ironic? While I hate being alone in the world, I’ve become accustomed to it and don’t care about that any more. I can’t even muster faking connections with people any longer. It’s brought me to believe that I’m completely dead inside. Why should I? People in my life lead to just more disappointment. What right do I have to say this? Well that leads to the thoughts.
Men always say they want an independent woman who has her shit together. The truth is, they all want the same thing. An SI swimsuit model that is in truth a project. Hell, they’ll take the project even if she’s not a swimsuit model. As long as she is sick all the time or whatever so they can keep saving her. Hell, even chicks have figured this out. How can I tell? Look at them now a day. Telling each other we deserve better, we are better. Sure, we’re not. We’re no better than anyone else. Oh, be better than you were yesterday, whatever. Again, we circle back to the truth. It’s supposed to be good to be single, but we fail as a human being if we aren’t paired up with someone. It’s why we’re taught from day one to be afraid of being alone. That no matter what’s wrong between you, fix it. Don’t give up on it. Yet, unless you’re some project for a man to fix every single day, they lose interest. If you can do for yourself, there’s no point to them being around. Basically, we’re supposed to stand on our own and be “strong” but we’re to hide that and fake being this helpless thing to attract the opposite sex. Heaven forbid having your own thoughts and opinions. It’s because of that that I was told that I will be alone until the day I die. Repeatedly. Standing up for myself and having ideas of what I want in another person makes me an unworthy bitch that deserves either abusive fucks, solitude (and enjoy it), or to finally take my own life to make society happy. That’s what expected from all of us. I was told by friends that they don’t mind being single, but they can’t bring themselves to go out by themselves. Why? Why is that? I’ve taken myself out to eat. I’ve gone out. Sure, it sucks, but honestly why should I stop things I like because there’s no one with me? Why should I give things up because “friends” have other things to do? Even my real friends have lives and I understand that. So, that’s no excuse to stop doing things I enjoy. The lack of someone in my life? Again, no reason to give up doing what I do. Then we’re back to that because I do these things I’m doomed to die with no one around me.
I’m a good person. My problem is that I’ve never really been able to say no to friends. I’ve always done everything in my power to be the friend I wanted. Yet, it’s become clear that so many of them took advantage of that. I’ve never been able to be the full bitch to those that I’ve cared about. When it comes to my friends I would move heaven and earth to be there for them. It hasn’t mattered if it was time, money, or whatever was called for. I would go balls to the wall for them, but through this last year I have seen that I can count on one hand those that have EVER returned that to me. The truth? Three would do that for me if I called upon them for it. Even my blood family can’t say that they would. The rest? I’m only some stupid tool for them. It’s pretty damn shitty when I can look at all these supposed friends that have never lifted a damn finger to do a thing for me yet I’ve always had their back no matter if I agreed with them or not. Always if it made them happy, that was the right thing for them and I stood by that. Anytime that I’ve been in dark places, I’ve been there alone. They “go silent”, disappear, pretend I don’t exist, but when they need something, by all the gods they are right there expecting me to do for them. I’m slowly learning to put my foot down and say no. I’m finally learning to be that horrible person they claim that I am. I am coming around to treating these same people how they treat me. I don’t know how that will be received, but most likely I’ll start losing more people from my life and I should prepare for that.
I still find irony in that the two men in my life that did their best to completely destroy me as a person (and has somewhat succeeded in that) are blissfully happy in their lives and getting every bit of happiness. Yet I’m learning to accept my life of solitude. I do have friends and I love them. Just I’ve come to the point that not many would do anything for me unless it was doing something for them. I guess I’m getting tired of the games that people play with other people. I’m getting tired of the saying one thing, do another, then scream liar before saying something else. I’m tired of everything. Jealousy has been said to be a sign of love and care. No, it’s not. I’ve never seen any good EVER come from jealousy. Not one damn thing. They say a little is healthy. No, it’s not. There is nothing GOOD AT ALL about jealousy. I guess the price I have to pay for all the pain I’ve been through is that I can’t connect with anyone. I can’t bring myself to put myself through hell again. The best I can hope for is to do a public service for the world and find that completely abusive asshole and keep him until he can kill me. At least then he’s not hurting someone else. That’s the best it seems I can hope for. They’re always looking for someone they can try and break. Every other male is looking for a project. Someone to save. Since I don’t need saving, I guess it’s the opposite for me. Destroy a person, get the happy life. Be destroyed and be miserable. What a trade off right? Maybe it’s good to be dead inside finally. I guess that’s everything right now. Maybe I’ll get back to this but for now I had to get this all out somewhere because I’m tired of it being in my head.