My little brother, who was in the hospital for 3 weeks, died in the hospital last night around 3AM. It was completely unexpected since he was suppose to be going home on Monday, but he suddenly went into cardiac arrest and died. He turned 18 years old 5 weeks ago and was going to attend MIT in the fall, his entire life ahead of him, now he’s gone forever. I will never ever get to say goodbye to him. I will never speak to him again for all eternity. And it was my fault because when I returned to Sweden I had the option and the chance to visit him at the hospital, but I didn’t because I wanted to avoid confrontation with my family.
My aunt called me from Norway around 5AM, I rushed to Stockholm. I called ahead to make sure none of my family were there. But my mother arrived unexpectedly. As soon as she walked in and saw me sitting there she demanded that I leave, or she was going to have the nurse kick me out. And I didn’t want to fight, so I left. Walking into the restroom and she walks in after me and she shoves me against the wall and ….. a fight ensued. She slapped me so hard, and started to call me names, and say “you are not welcome ever. you or your alcoholic demon”.
I just stood there, silent, and holding my cherry red cheek. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. And she went off on me, just giving me a slew of hate, insults, and she didn’t hold back. She told me that I was a waste of life, that she regrets having me for a daughter, that I am an embarrassment, that I am beyond saving, that I am the biggest disappointment ever, that I am so stupid, that I am an easy slut, that I am her biggest regret. I just walked right past her and I left.
I took the elevator to the next floor and in the restroom and I just cried, washed my face, and went to meet Ramsay who was waiting for me outside. We drove another 4 hours north, back to the house.
There is no reason to stay, she won’t let me say goodbye to him. Just like she didn’t let me say goodbye to my grandmother.
I wish I had been there for him.