Day 29 of Sobriety

     Although I feel healthy and great Sobriety doesn’t solve the ups and downs of life. I have my very great moments (a ton more great moments than when I was drinking), but I still have some low moments. I just deal with them better! 

     Right now I feel guilty! Not guilt over drinking or over the things that I did – but guilt towards how conflicted that I’m feeling towards LLS. Maybe it’s just impatience, I’m not sure! But it’s definitely a feeling similar to “whatever.” I don’t much like it! 

     Obviously I spent the majority of Thursday & Friday hanging out with the Boys and a bit of that time with LLS involved. She was very decent! But her behavior also bothers me. I should be happy that we’re “getting along,” and I am very happy about it – but it’s still difficult! 

     One minute She’s smiling, laughing, talking asking questions or answering questions. The next minute She’s cold towards me. I get it, but it’s not what I want to happen. I guess I’m impatient. 

     I grew up with 4 Sisters so I’m sure that She’s conflicted too. To me it’s like She’s stuck in between two sides of thinking. Her rational thinking of “bad things happened and I’m supposed to be mad at Him,” and between Her true thinking with Her heart of “I do care about Him, He has quit drinking, He is doing better, I do want to like Him and not be mad at Him.” 

     I mean, this is expecting of Her and I completely understand. But coming from my end of this spectrum I know that I’m sober, I know that I’m a good guy, I know that I’m done with drinking and I know that Her and I could get along very, very well. But She may be conflicted for awhile. 

     Basically in my opinion – She wants to forgive, forget, move on and get along – that’s what Her heart is telling Her. But quite normally Her mind is telling Her not to because She doesn’t want a let down. I understand, but it’s frustrating. 

     To me I feel like we are wasting time! We could move on from the past and either be very close friends or have a very great relationship. As frustrating as it is – I’m growing conflicted too.

     I mean, I’m happy! I want to do fun things! I understand where She’s coming from – but am I supposed to wait on Her? I was hoping by now that we could at least get to where we could go off and do fun things with The Boys. 

     Parts of me are ready to give up and move on but parts of me still love Her. I want to do fun things. I want to live, laugh, be healthy and go on adventures with The kids. As much as I love that we are seeming to take a step forward because we have been civil and getting along – I don’t want to sit around feeling occasional awkwardness. I want to go do things! 

    I have to be patient – but I also feel as though it may be a waste of my happiness waiting on Her to do what She wants to provably do but that She’s probably not mentally ready for yet. 

     I’ll remain patient for a bit..but I feel unhappy that we aren’t having as much fun as we could be. I’m ready to put the past behind us and just have fun without complicating things! 

     Everything is so complicated right now! I don’t want for either of us to feel the pressure of having to jump into anything. I just know that we’ve genuinely had a lot of great times. I only want to do fun things. I don’t want to jump into anything and complicate the situation. 

     But Women are different! I’m just not sure How long I can keep waiting. I’ll remain patient, but I’m ready right now to put the past behind us. I enjoy Her company and we could be building fond memories instead of sitting on the past waiting for fond memories to hatch like an egg. 

Plus the two Boys love us and I feel like our conflicted ways of thinking are ruining their summer. 

     Glad to get that off my chest – but I hope She comes around! It’s unsettling. Waiting is hard. I want to do so many positive things and I feel like I’m waiting on Her. It’s frustrating. 

    Gotta Sleep

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