now playing: Future Bound — Sorrow

What a provoker. I am no better, but in general I was ok with holding back. I know what he is doing. He know what I feel, and he thinks he can change my mind, because I showed him myself my weakness and uncertainty. We agreed to stay together as we are and try to live through this, but I feel he will be pushing from time to time. When the moment of out meeting comes, there will be an explosion.

My first week at work went sort of fine, although I still don’t really get on with my team. I hope this changes after a little more time. About the job itself, feels more or less alright, but sometimes I have a strong desire to run away and hide. Like today. I had a hard panic at some point and only my friend (and ex depression partner) helped me out, cheered up a bit. Piano music also helped me to calm down. And after work, when I was going home, I felt sick in the bus and had to come out before my station. Was sitting on a bench for some time, feeling pretty dizzy and sick from nothing. Maybe it was too hot in the bus, that’s why it happened. Slept all evening, almost haven’t eaten, but I don’t mind since I started gaining weight again… Don’t want to get back to what I was at school.

Now that I’m awake after the evening sleep, just listening to some old jungle records. Interesting how I got involved with d’n’b, only because of having a DJ friend. As I discovered, when you see a real person behind the art, it feels different than just watching unknown pieces. I felt life behind d’n’b music, and I like the way I dig into it more and more.

Speaking of Lavish, I’m worried for him. He said he has troubles with his wife and hasn’t explained anything… Not that I’m eager to get into every detail of their relationship, but I’m really worried. I wish I could help any possible way, sadly the talking is the only think I’m capable of at the moment and he rejected the option. I hope he’ll be fine. If I am fortunate and I meet our Madgirl tomorrow, I’ll at least try to find out about the man’s state; if anyone knows it better, it’s her.

Huh… What an insane life it is.

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