I’m sure I’m not the only person who feels like they don’t belong amongst the rest. I’ve found it difficult my whole life to fit in or to feel like I belong. Either being too young or too old for what I want- life and I have always disagreed in one way or another.
I’ve been reminded my whole life how different I am. Either from my mother who was and still is emotionally abusive (I get my body image issues and overbearing personality from her) or from my older sister who is just like my mother. I’m either too strong and independent or too weak and shy. Too loud and silly, or too much of a loner.
Ive spent my whole life trying to please these people only to realize that I’m wasting my time. They will never be happy with me. They say I’m just like my father. Who I do not feel at one with. He is selfish and small minded. He doesn’t try to make positive changes in his life. He is too easily led and too focused on himself to be a good father. I do not want to be like him. I especially don’t want to be like someone who I’m compared to as an insult. I can’t deny that I am practically his twin. Tall and big like that side of the family. I am not petit nor skinny like my mother and sister. My weight has been my mothers biggest concern most of my life starting in my adolescence when she thought fat jokes were a good idea.
Its a funny thing to constantly have your heart broken by the people who are supposed to love you no matter what. And because they are family they tolerate me. They have no choice but to tolerate me because I AM family. And I keep hope that one day things will change. My mother will become supportive and less judgemental. My sister will become less selfish and more interested in someone other than herself(ahhh redundancy). It’s this hope that I wish I could do away with. Because they are my family I will continue to hope. It’s a viscous cycle that by Einstein’s definition is insane, but I can’t give up on them- my genes won’t allow it.
So I continue to feel like an outsider amongst my own people. The outcast- the parriah- the escape goat- the punching bag. The problem and the solution. I wonder what they’d say if I was permanently gone.
Suicide is not something I would ever do. It is not within me to take my own life.
But I do wonder what my family would say if I were just gone. Would they mourn? I’m sure they would outwardly even if it weren’t sincere. They put on shows for everyone. Would they feel relief? No longer a burden or the boil on the butt of the family anymore. Would they wish me back? Would they feel bad for treating me like a piece of gum stuck on their shoes?
It’s morbid but I would love to know.
Wallowing in self pity to end in 5…4…3…2…1…