Jealousy

Jealousy. The most useless of all the emotions. I’ve never seen any good come from jealousy. It’s always caused disaster after disaster. Now you see everywhere that jealousy is good. No, it’s not. They’ll tell you that a little jealousy is healthy. No, it’s not. “Oh if your girl is jealous, it shows she cares.” “If your guy gets jealous over you it means he loves you.” Just NO! There’s nothing healthy nor good about jealousy. Why can I say all this? Well yes, I knew jealousy quite well. When I was a teenager, I really knew jealousy. I was cheated A LOT when I was dating in my teens. When I say a lot, I’m not exaggerating. I would say that 90% of the guys that I dated back then had been proven to be cheaters. Then again, what did I expect? Back then 3 months with a guy was a long-term relationship for me. I didn’t really get jealous back then. They cheated, I moved on. There was always someone else available within a few hours. There wasn’t any point for me to be bothered with jealousy. Then came my ex-husband.

He was truly the reason I learned that jealousy was useless. Was I jealous with him? Sure. He was my husband and I knew that he was stepping out. Even when they all started coming forward (we’re talking double digits here) I wasn’t even surprised. At the beginning when my gut was telling me what was going on, I had some jealousy. As I was sitting alone one night because he had gone to the “bar” which I learned was code for getting his nut on with someone else, I realized that jealousy didn’t stop him from going out with other women. It didn’t stop him from sleeping with other women. It did nothing. Gods forbid though if I had an affair. He made that very clear. It was fine for him (or beat the hell out of me for speaking up) but when it came to me, I’d better be home and remain Suzie homemaker. No lie, I stepped out on him. A few times. Not nearly as much as he did. Shit, I don’t know anyone that could do that outside of him. This is the same man that got drunk and asked me dating advice with strippers. Yes, you read that right. Yes, we had tried threesomes. That got ugly with a quickness. The chick would either be all about him or me. They would try some shit and sent to stepping. There was even one that showed up and insinuated that my husband knocked her up. I said three letters and the tune changed. DNA. Honestly? I have no idea how many half brothers and sisters my daughters have because of their father. Anyway, so jealousy. It did nothing for me. It didn’t stop anything. So, I shed it. Let him do his thing but would rarely let him touch me. Usually that was reserved for when I was drunk, which I think is why he got me drunk on nights he couldn’t get a “date”. It wasn’t jealousy that killed that, it was the abuse. I couldn’t take it anymore and so sent him packing. Having shed jealousy there wasn’t a point to bring up anything about his affairs as the continued to come forward. Not that I was even bothered by that. For each one that came forward the conversation was the same. “I don’t believe he beat you. He never laid a hand on me while we were together.” “Great. Do you want a cookie? Join the others that slept with him. The difference? You didn’t live with him.” That was the long and short of it. I didn’t even get mad any more. Again, it wasn’t the multiple affairs, it was the abuse.

The next relationship, I didn’t even bother with jealousy. There wasn’t a point. It had been proven by my ex-husband that it did nothing. So, I set myself on the course of completely shedding myself of it. Even when my guy had chick telling me that I should die so that he could be with her I did release my typical fury but honestly that wasn’t jealousy. That was dealing with a threat directly to me. I couldn’t even be bothered when women were sending him boob pictures (and there were quite a few). I just shook my head when they would tell him they loved him. No, they loved only what they knew on the screen. They didn’t live with him day to day. Whatever. I had slowly gotten to the point that if he had wanted to go, just go. I didn’t care anymore.

It was jealousy that broke things with the guy that came after him. After hearing something stupid, not listening to me, having someone talking smack in the background, then hanging up on me. I think I was more mad about being hung up on than anything. There’s multiple reasons why I cannot go down that road anymore. That’s not what this is about though. The whole thing about that? It was his jealousy that was the undoing. I moved on. And that’s when it happened.

The next one would be jealous of every single male in my life. He would have plenty of reasons and would tell me that I did all these things that just made it worse. He would tell me to remove people from my life. He would convince me jealousy was a good thing. That it was normal and healthy and that I was broken because I had none. That I was wrong because I had shed jealousy as unnatural. Even going so far as telling me that my being numb from all the cheating that had been done in the past is part of why he had to fix me. The end with him? He had awoken jealousy in me. I had a notion that he was chasing another woman (I was right. Always trust your gut.) I let it get the best of me during a bad time for me and exploded. I slapped him and yelled at him. He broke it off right there. No feeling. Didn’t care. Just done. Basically, it confirmed what my gut was telling me. He kept up with her after. Even having her send nude pictures of herself to him. Even had her masturbate on cam for him. (He had a lot of women do that for him. Even when he was married, and I should have known better then.) Yet, he would say that she was just a friend and that I was crazy. I had no idea what I’m talking about. She was just a friend all along. For the record, “she’s just a friend” when your gut tells you differently means that she isn’t. Time to go. Once there’s a reason for jealousy, stop. It’s done. It’s over. Walk away. Jealousy isn’t going to make them stop. They chose to cheat. They chose her/him over you. Jealousy won’t bring them back. Jealousy won’t make them stop. They’re going to continue no matter what you do. They made the conscious choice. And “being drunk”? That’s no excuse either. If you can’t trust them, your gut is telling you something’s not right, and you just know; you don’t need proof. You don’t need reasons. You don’t need anything more than goodbye.

Now there is one aspect of jealousy that I will never truly understand. This is where I’m at. One guy who knew full well jealousy was his undoing in the past, is now jealous of a male friend of mine. We’re not together. He’s a friend as well. He did it to himself in the long run. Now unless this other male friend comes up, he’s perfectly fine. Yet, the minute a certain male friend is brought up, he changes and the jealousy comes out. Like I said, we’re not together. I’ve made clear that he is just a friend and nothing will change that. Yet this same jealousy has reared it’s head and caused him to do rather bad things that proves that jealousy never went away. So, because of that it closed that door even more quickly. Why is that? Why be like that? You’re not proving anything, so why? Something I won’t understand.

Another friend. Has made it clear that no matter how I feel, I will be nothing more than a friend. Okay. I’ll deal. Even though they do a LOT of bf kind of things. Either way, not what this is about. When I mention talking to other guys or what’s happened with my nonexistent trying to move on love life (it’s obviously failed time and again. Just can’t connect with anyone. Believe I’m dead inside finally.) he seems to be a bit jealous himself. I’m nothing more than a friend. It’s been made clear. So why get jealous or seem annoyed because I’m trying to find something in my life? It’s obvious said friend has other interests and that’s great. I’m happy for him. Why should I remain solo because he doesn’t like it? I don’t understand. I guess these are things I’m not meant to understand.

I get that there’s no “one” for me. I am beginning to believe fully what was said to me by someone that “loved” me long ago. I’m not girlfriend material and never will be. I’m coming to accept that. I’m coming to accept that I can’t seem to connect with men or get those giddy feelings chicks get when a guy finds them attractive. I guess all the years of being with who I thought was “The One” just killed it for me. Every one of the guys I’ve met in the last nearly year that I was forced into single life show their true colors quickly and are just wanting a one night stand. Or my favorite… an FWB without the friends part. The latest was a guy that seemed pretty okay at the start but after a few texts back and forth wanted me to describe intimately my body for him. When I said I wasn’t okay with it, he said he was “just curious”. Yeah, I was quick to be done with that. It’s helping me to realize that there isn’t such a thing as “The One”. Not anymore. All you see now is “The ONES”. Date lots of people and make sure it goes nowhere. Have multiple lovers because it’s great. It’s okay to have tons of guys. Yet I don’t believe any of that. It’s okay though, I’m becoming comfortable with it. What I’ve seen so far just shows me that I’m wrong and should be happy that I’m just not settling because I want someone. I don’t need someone, but it would be nice to have someone. Yet, it is what it is and nothing changes. Not really for the better most of the time.

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