July 12 2017

So, I don’t remember most of what I wrote to you when we were in high school. Whether that is due to my poor diabetes control or because at the time I was so pumped full of hormones I don’t know. I remember a lot, but not most of what I wrote. I remember every detail of every time you touched me, every time you looked at me, every time I caught you staring when I knew you shouldn’t have been. You know you’re the only person on the planet who is allowed to call me Baby Girl? Ever. Other people have tried, but they can’t. It’s a phrase only you have. I’m not done with you, and to be truthful, I don’t know that I ever will be, and that is scary because what if this doesn’t work? I am so used to this not working that the idea of it maybe working is making me panic a little. 

you know, My partner, he thinks you want me more than you want your current partner, and I know that it’s bullshit, but for a few small seconds I let myself believe it, because it felt SO GOOD, to believe it for a second. Like biting into a fresh juicy crunchy apple after you haven’t had solid food in two weeks kind of good. And I know that that sounds like bullshit, because it doesn’t explain it well enough. But I don’t think I can, it’s the same kind of feeling I get when I think of that very specific image in my head of me on a counter or a table or, well on something and you right in front of me, and finally, finally, finally feeling you inside of me. Anyway, I don’t think you want me more, because, well I don’t know but I don’t think you do. He did make a good point though, that you might think I will always be there. And I need you to know that, that is not the case. If this doesn’t work, then fine, it doesn’t work, I figured out how to be happy without you before and I could do it again if I had to. But I am dedicated this time, I am going to beat this horse until it is dead and in the ground or it is running around good and healthy. I’m not going to wait on the sidelines this time. I have learned how to put my needs ahead of others, which is something you are not used to with me. I’m not saying I was selfless prior to this, because I wasn’t. But I have the ability now to demand what I need, and I’m not going to try to be selfish, but there are somethings I need now that I didn’t know before. I don’t do Lies. If you’re going to try to be with me, you need to know that I need complete transparency. But I get that this is going to be a long hard road, but it could be good. I have some things I am not going to negotiate, and there are some things I will negotiate, but will probably be very hard for me, and I know that there will be things like this for you as well. And I think we really need to talk about how Exclusive does not equal Committed. I am 100% committed to my partner and we are not exclusive. And I can be the same for you, I think your partner and I are both on the same page when it comes to each other, I don’t know her very well, and while she is very attractive, I am not at a point where I can make that same commitment to her, simply because I need to get to know her, to see if I can. Like I said, I will beat this horse till it is dead and buried, because if this doesn’t work, and you and her go on to be happy just the two of you, I will be done.





I remember meeting you, before you do I think. I had gotten myself a pocket watch at the ferry terminals and was wearing it around my neck, and of course at that time, I wore low cut tops, like 90% of the time. So I caught you staring at my chest, which was my goal at the time, so I smirked and you played it off like you were inspecting the pocket watch. That was the first time you spoke to me, and I am amazed that I remember that. But I remember it.

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