Wednesday July 12th

I made it to Kentucky Monday. I have stayed at Deedra’s the past 2 nights. I will be staying at Brent’s for the rest of the time here. Staying at Deedra’s house is a really good experience for me because I have the opportunity to observe what a healthy family looks like; how a normal family lives. It’s so foreign to me. I feel like an anthropologist studying another culture. 

I didn’t do much of anything yesterday. I did do my Spanish lesson and worked a little on my online class. I really don’t have a home base yet, so I’m okay with that. Once I get set up at Brent’s this evening, I expect to be back on my daily routine tomorrow. When you are someone’s house guest as I am now, and you don’t even have a car, you are really at the mercy of others. 

I made myself an orthodontist appointment tomorrow to get my permanent retainer wires fixed. When I went to the dentist Saturday, he saw some issues with both the top and bottom wires. I made John a grooming appointment for Friday morning because he looks a mess. Brent and Noah don’t brush him. If they would brush him, he wouldn’t shed so much, but we know how lazy they both are. 

After I drop John off to be groomed Friday morning, I am going to get to work on that storage unit. I am going to unload it all to Brent’s house- empty it out first, then work on figuring out what to do with the stuff once I get it there. I want to empty the storage and close my account there. I will figure out to what to do with all the stuff once I’m looking at it all. 

As far as my feelings go about being “home,” nothing, really. I feel nothing. I don’t think, “oh! I’ve missed this place so much!” Noah said to me, “It must be nice to get a break from the City.” It’s not. Maybe I just haven’t been there long enough, but I don’t need a break from it. I love it there. I knew I didn’t belong in Kentucky when I was here before. I just don’t belong. I don’t fit in. Being here brings out a lot of my worst qualities. 

Later, that same day…

Okay, it is 12:54 on day 2 of being here and I am so bored!! I am trying to make myself just work on my class, but jesus, it’s boring. Gah!

My mother just called me. She is mad because of something my daughter said to her. She was going on and on, and going on and on about our family and how everyone is so mean, etc. I commented that it’s just what you get with so much dysfunction. She said that if that was the case, it wasn’t her fault. WAIT. WHAT??? It wasn’t her fault? Are you fucking kidding me? Then who the fuck’s fault was it? Are you fucking kidding me? Does she really believe that the fact that she has 3 fucked up children is not her fault?? Unbelievable. I honestly don’t even know what to fucking say to that. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. What goes on in her head? What? I truly didn’t realize that she didn’t take any responsibility for what she put us through as children. None. Fucking none. Just wow. 

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