At first it was nice to finally be alone. I’ve jumped from one relationship to the next for so long. But after almost a year of being alone and having to admit that i struggle with mental illness, I’m so done. I feel like i have no fight left in me. I am so empty inside and what does fill the non empty spots is dark. Its so dark it just might scare the devil himself. But i continue to try to act normal as i dont want the stigma of mental illness to follow me. I know the feeling when people find out you have mental illness and they start to look at you and act different around you. But it gets harder each passing day to put on the fake smile and laugh the fake laugh so people thinkyou are ok. When in reality, and behind closed doors, i can’t stop the tears. And just when they stpp and i start to fall asleep,, i reach out, outof habit to the other side of the bed and its empty and the tears flow once again, only stopping in time to get dressed for work the next morning.
I continue to ask the universe and the gods, when will this end, when will i get happiness brought to my life or when will my suffering end. The only reason i dont give up 100% is the thought of my dog and cat being without me or having to be separated from each other as they are bonded.
I just want to feel what its like to have true love and happiness in my life just once, is that too much to ask?