Dreams about my wedding day. July 13th 2017

At three years old, I started planning my wedding. I don’t think I ever was pressured into it, no- one ever tried to make me think about it. I just did, all on my own.
At five years old I had my first wedding, beside the teeter totters to Baxton Canterbee. I gave him a plastic purple ring, and then I divorced him because he lost it. Not legally binding or anything, but that was me, even when I was small.
At eleven I was waiting for my boobs to grow, and for anybody to like me and to get my period. I started suspecting that I might like girls, and that was difficult, because everyone I knew thought it was crazy because of how in to guys I was. But I talked with my friends about the perfect dress, and the perfect ceremony, because that was what you did. I wanted a sweetheart neckline, mermaid style dress with a corset back and beading in intricate patterns. I wanted everyone else to stare in awe at me when I walked down the aisle.
I never wanted to get married in a church. Always outside, I have always felt that the joy I will feel on that day would blow the top off of any building.
At fifteen I finally got the chance to date Darla, And she was dangerous. She was playing with fire, and my plans for a wedding day changed, I thought about her in a wedding dress and thought about us being together, and it was exciting, but she wasn’t someone who was going to settle down. Not with me anyway.
continuing being 15, I met Chuck Sweet, and I actually thought I was done looking. Saw myself having a family with kids and him, and I don’t remember planning a wedding in my head with him. I completely skipped it. I just wanted him. But as you can probably tell with the ongoing list, that didn’t happen. He had every opportunity to pick me. First he picked, goodness I don’t even remember her name. He picked someone else, then he was single, properly single. And we were together once, and he didn’t pick me, he picked Carlie, so any plans I did have about him and me, and kids and marriage and a wedding flew out of my head. So much that I can’t even remember them. And while I may still want him, I don’t want that with him anymore.
At seventeen, I met Smeety, and to be honest at the time I didn’t like him all that much, I was young and hot and thin and thought I could do a whole lot better than him. I was far more interested in his Boyfriend and his girlfriend wasn’t all that interesting to me either. fast forward about a month and I’m dating him, and not the other two.
fast forward two years, and I’m still seeing him, and I have more of myself figured out, and while I am excited about the potential for a wedding, because what person isn’t even the littlest bit excited about their wedding day. But the thing I have realised today is that I want to be married to him. I want to be giant children trapped in adult bodies with him, I want to raise children and pay taxes and bills. And what I am saying is I think I have found someone that I actually want to do this with, life I mean. And while I want a wedding, because I am a romantic, that’s not the important part anymore. The important part is that we are together, and it might seem odd as we are committed but not exclusive, but in all honesty that makes it easier for me to decide that I want to be here, because the option to leave is there, I know that I want to stay.
So, at 19 I know that I’ll be waiting a while, to make sure these thoughts in my head are real, and not just me being a hopeless romantic. But I am sure, about him, I am certain, it’s not just me thinking about it anymore, we think about it, and talk about it. About our future, and kids and a wedding.
I think about having a barefoot wedding, and what kind of dress I would want now, though it’s not a mermaid style anymore, maybe not even a sweetheart neckline. But the best thing about walking down the aisle now wouldn’t be the guests looking at me. The best part, would be watching his face, and saying my vows, and hearing his. The best part, would be deciding to be with my best friend, for the rest of this life.

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