invincibility is not a thing

21 years and i’ve completely lost the the person I was and ever wanted to be in life.
I was in a relationship with someone who I loved dearly. We had come a long way and had many problems.
I got to the stage where honestly, I was bored. I felt neglected, alone and unappreciated. Of course being me, i did dramatise a lot of things. He was busy and just unaware.
I made some really silly decisions.
I felt invincincble. I acted out and thought that I could do what I wanted without any consequences.
Our relationship ended thinking it was a mutal decision that we both needed to figure out our own lives and being independant. Yes part of that was true but it isn’t until now where i take 100% full blame for the breakup.
I was reckless, stupid and inconsiderate. Even after i decided to move away, I still made small dumb decisions knowing it was wrong. Yet I continued. I thought I was this invicible and tough human who thought they could do whatever, say whatever… feel what ever.
It’s not until a month later, moving far away that my bad decisions caught up to me. Guilt, despair, loneliness and the worst… regret.
Regret is something that I despise, it’s like carrying a heavy dark weight on your shoulders, not being able to let it go. I thought i didn’t love him.
Now i know that i was the one who was un appreciative. I took him for granted, and now I truly have to live with the fact that it probably won’t be the same and I’ll never have the same love. Feel the same.
I wish to find myself again and hopefully love myself again. Sometimes i wish there was a reset button.

They say dark clouds pass, I’ll let you know when mine does.

 

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